"Bastards Stole My Keyring" by Troy H. Cheek on Jun 29, 2009
I recently changed jobs again. People like to tell me that in this economy I should just be thankful that I even have a job. Of course, people like to tell me that regardless of what the economy is like. When unemployment figures are up, people tell me that I should be thankful to have a job because all the high unemployment figures mean that there aren't a lot of jobs to go around. When unemployment figures are down, people tell me that I should be thankful to have a job because the low unemployment figures mean that all the good jobs are taken.
Likewise, people doing the hiring tell me pretty much the same thing. When unemployment figures are up, they're buried under applications from so many people that they can't sort out the ones who are actually qualified, so they end up hiring people who can't do the job. When unemployment figures are down, that means all the people who can do the job already have a job somewhere doing it, so again they end up hiring people who can't do the job.
Apparently, there's never a good time to be looking for a job or to be looking for someone to hire, so you should never leave your job and never fire anybody. That's why, once I got a job working Healthcare Security and realized that I was pretty good at it, I stuck with it.
So I didn't leave my secure Security job and they didn't fire me. Instead, I was outsourced. But, I was assured, I wasn't actually outsourced because I could continue to do my job by working for the new company. I've had experience with this sort of thing before. It never works well. I waited until the boss had run out of breath, then chimed in.
"Excuse me," I said not the least bit politely. "You said this would be just like working for the old company?"
Boss: "Yes, we did. There will be no changes."
Troy: "So, I'll still be paid the same wages?"
Boss: "Well, we have no control over the new company, but I'm sure the pay will be competitive."
Troy: "And I'll still be working the same hours?"
Boss: "Well, we have no control over the new company, but I'm sure they'll take your old work schedule into account."
Troy: "And I'll still be senior person here?"
Boss: "Well, you're just starting with the new company, so technically you won't be senior officer, but people will still look to you for leadership."
Troy: "So, I'll be making less, working different hours, no longer be senior officer, but still be expected to tell everyone else what to do?"
Boss: "Troy, you always put things in the worst possible way. In today's economic environment..."
Troy: He rattled on for a while. I naturally wasn't listening. When he seemed to be running down, I asked "Well, if you're getting rid of me, what kind of Security are you going to have around here?"
Boss: "Troy, we'll have no security once you leave."
Troy: "I thought you said another company was coming in."
Boss: "No."
Troy: "But you clearly said that I had the option of working for the new company."
Boss: "Yes. Of course. You're one of our most valuable resources, Troy. We'd never let you go."
Troy: "Which security company will be taking over, then?"
Boss: "No security company will be taking over."
It eventually turned out that he wasn't saying "no" but rather "NOH" or National Officers for Healthcare. Or something like that. It was like a bad Abbot and Costello routine. He couldn't see why there was any confusion, as it was spelled out right there on the papers on his desk. Papers which he was supposed to have given me prior to this little talk. But whatever.
NOH was a fine, upstanding, all-American company. I called them up and spoke with their Chief Officer. He was a distinguished older gentleman who hailed from Ohio. His first name was Rashad, but he said I could call him Rash. I can't tell you his last name because I don't have any of those symbols on my keyboard.
Troy: "Howdy. I was just calling to see what kind of company you are. I want to make sure you're based in the area."
Rash: "Of course we're based in your area. We only work locally."
Troy: "That's a very interesting accent you have there, Rashad. Where are you from?"
Rash: "Ohio, originally, but I've lived the last 20 years in your great state of Florida."
Troy: "Tennessee."
Rash: "To be begging your pardon?"
Troy: "I'm in Tennessee. The place you're about to handle security for is in Tennessee."
Rash: "A thousand apologies. We're expanding so quickly that I lose track of where I am."
Troy: "Obviously. Well, I just wanted to check you out. I wanted to make sure we weren't bringing in a bunch of terrorists to handle security or something."
Rash: "I am terribly offended by your accusation. We are not terrorists! If you ever say anything like that again, I will kill you and your family!"
Troy: "My apologies, Rashad."
Rash: "And now you insult me by mispronouncing my name. It is not Rashad. It is nothing like Rashad."
Troy: "Oh, then what is it?"
Rash: "It is Rashid."
Troy: "A thousand apologies. I'm on the phone so much these days that I lose track of who I'm talking to..."
After smoothing things over with Rash while still politely declining to convert to his religion (I'd never look good in that outfit, I've already had enough body parts surgically removed, and Tuesdays are my Bingo night), I started looking for another job. In the mean time, I continued to do my very best at my old one.
I was in the office during that last week or two getting my equipment together when I noticed something missing. "Hey, have you seen my keyring?"
Boss: "What keyring?"
Troy: "That little carabiner I use to keep keys on my belt."
Boss: "Carry bean what now?"
Troy: "A carabiner or karabiner (colloquially: crab, D ring, snap-link, krab, or 'biner) is a metal loop with a sprung or screwed gate. Carabiners are widely used in sports requiring ropework, such as climbing, slacklining, caving (Single Rope Technique), canyoning, and sailing, and in industrial rope access work, such as construction or window cleaning. Or, in my case, the offset D shape makes a perfect keyring."
Boss: "I've not seen it, but we've been cleaning out a lot of old junk getting ready for the new people."
Troy: "Have they been cleaning out inside the locker with the TROY label on it?"
Boss: "No, of course not. That's your stuff. But I did tell them that it was okay to look around in the office, seeing as they're taking over."
Troy: "Well, then the people taking over are thieves. I'm missing a carabiner, two pens, some candy, and a whole box of my chocolate-flavored laxatives."
Boss: "I'm not sure I appreciate your tone."
Troy: "I'm not sure I care. I do know one thing that I'm sure of."
Boss: "What's that?"
Troy: "That I'm going to plant myself in front of the door to the Men's room and wait for those laxatives to kick in. I figure I'll have my thief some time in the next 20 minutes."
Boss: "Troy, you've been working too hard lately. Why don't you go on home?"
Troy: "Well, if you insist..."
In the end, I didn't mind being outsourced after 9 years of service. I didn't mind having to shop myself around looking for a new job. I didn't mind that I was losing the health insurance that was keeping me alive. The thing that keeps me up at night these days is knowing that somewhere, right now, a contract security officer is carrying my keyring.
