"Whatever You Say, Officer!" by Troy H. Cheek on Nov 03, 2008
Once again, I am working a shift which requires me to be on the road during the hours when most people are asleep. Once again, I am often the only vehicle on the road. Once again, I find myself on the list of acceptable targets. Simply being on the road at that hour, even if wearing the uniform of a profession which normally works said hours, is seen as suspicious.
Me, I try to extend a little professional courtesy to my brothers in uniform. Whether they be police, security, military, school crossing guards, or big box retail greeters, as far as I'm concerned, if you put on a uniform and put yourself in harm's way, you deserve a break occasionally.
Or, at the very least, to be left alone when you're not doing anything wrong.
The other night (evening, morning, whatever) I was cruising along at about the speed limit as I approached an intersection. The traffic signal turned from green to yellow. Now, I knew from past experience that I had plenty of time to get through the intersection before the light changed from yellow to red, but I decided to stop anyway. Why? Well, there was a state trooper pulling up to the intersection from the cross street. He slowed down, but it didn't look like he was stopping. I figured we'd reach the middle of the intersection at about the same time. It seemed like a good time to stop.
I stopped. It had been raining a bit, and my truck is a little light in the back end, so I skidded a little. I came to a halt about the time the light turned red. The trooper continued through the intersection, turned to drive past me, made an illegal u-turn, and had his blue lights flashing by the time the traffic signal turned green. I turned on my turn signal to signify that I understood his signal. I then proceeded to the nearest safe place to pull over. Judging by the little bloops from his siren, I took too long.
I rolled down the window and waited for him to approach, hands held in plain sight on the wheel. He introduced himself (I was being harassed by a sargent, not just a plain old patrol officer), then proceeded to berate me for stopping at a yellow light. He scoffed at my excuse that I was just trying to stay out of his way. "Sir, an officer of the law would never pull forward unless his path was clear."
I explained that during a previous stint on this shift, in a similar situation, a city police officer told me that I should have yielded to him. The trooper didn't seem to believe me.
He was then upset with me that I didn't have my license and proof of insurance handy. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when I told him I'd have to reach for my wallet and waited for him to acknowledge this before I did so. If I was approaching someone in a security uniform who was reaching for his belt, I'd want to know he wasn't going for a gun, but apparently that's just me.
In spite of the fact that I was wearing a uniform somewhat nicer than his which plainly said "security officer" on the sleeve closest to him, he asked why I was out at that hour. He asked how much I'd had to drink that night, what illegal drugs I was taking, etc. I always carry a handkerchief with me, and that night I had chosen a colored bandana, so he asked what gang I was with.
Yes, apparently there are street gangs composed of middle-aged security officers.
I concentrated on keeping my smart mouth from running away with itself as it tends to do. This meant that most of my responses were limited to the words "yes" and "no" with the occasional "sir." The trooper eventually tired of his little game and sent me along my way. He never did tell me exactly what he was hassling me about.
This encounter got me thinking and talking. After a few discussions with some coworkers, we came up with the following list of rules to follow when stopped by a cop, based on what we've been griped at for not doing during previous stops.
Failure to do any of these things will get you a ticket, arrested, or shot.
Yes, I know I write a lot of humor and satire, and I often make things up in the name of comedy, but I am honestly and sincerely saying that I or someone I know and trust have actually been told every single one of those rules by someone wearing a badge at some time or another. Once or twice, I've been told apparently contradictory things by two officers during an incident, or even by the same officer during different incidents. I'll say "apparently" because I'm certain there were other factors involved of which I was simply unaware.
By the way, pointing out that the two officers just gave you contradictory information, or that the officer is telling you that you should have done exactly the opposite of what he told you to do last time, is a good way to guarantee a ticket.
