"Night of the UPS Ninja" by Troy H. Cheek on Oct 20, 2008
As I explained in Day of the UPS Ninja, the local branch of the UPS employs ninja (ninjas? ninjae?) to make deliveries. They can drive huge diesel box trucks down winding country roads, walk across a wooden porch, pull open a squeaky screen door, put up a "Sorry we missed you!" note, allow said squeaky screen door to slam shut, tromp back across the porch, and drive away all without alerting the tech geek inside anxiously awaiting his new toy. Er, technology.
After years of leaving notes, I'd trained the UPS ninja to just leave the package. Now, instead of walking out the door to find a note, I can walk out the door to find that the porch is very hard when you're hitting it face first after tripping over a package which was placed there without your knowledge.
Most recently, I decided it was time for a new laptop/notebook/portable computer. I found a good deal and ordered one online. I also ordered a couple of memory sticks to max out the system memory. Always max out the system memory on a laptop. It makes the laptop seem five times faster than it really is. Anyway, I got confirmation that my order had been received. The next day, I got confirmation that my order had been filled. The next day, I got confirmation that my order had been shipped, complete with UPS tracking number. I took the tracking number to the UPS site to see when my package would arrive. It would arrive two days hence.
All 0.9 pounds of it.
A quick check to the website showed that the memory had shipped while the laptop was "currently unavailable for sale" or somesuch. A quick call to customer service revealed that this was code for "we don't have any more, probably won't ever get any more, and if you really want to buy a laptop from us you'd better choose another model." I also discovered that, even though I'd ordered the specific memory for that specific laptop from a link on the very page describing said laptop, they'd thought that maybe I'd meant that memory for some other laptop and had sent it anyway without checking with me.
Not to worry, however. If I didn't want the memory, all I had to do was refuse delivery.
"What do you mean by refusing deliver?" I asked.
"Well, when UPS arrives, you just don't sign for the package," I was told. "They'll bring it back to us, and we'll refund your money."
"What if the UPS guy tends to drop stuff off without getting a signature?"
"Well, just wait for him to arrive and catch him before he leaves the package," she said slowly, as if explaining something extremely simple to an exceedingly slow child.
"What if..." I hesitated. "What if the local UPS employs ninjas?"
After explaining what I meant a few dozen times, the nice customer service lady eventually humored her obviously deranged customer and allowed that if I couldn't catch the ninja in the act, I could call her back and get a return shipping label.
Not wanting to go to all that trouble, I left a note of my own on the door the day the package was supposed to arrive. I returned from work that day to find the note was still there. Luckily, several members of my family had been there all day long, including a nephew playing on the porch and a brother doing yard work, so I knew that UPS ninja had not been there. I checked the UPS website to see when the package would be delivered.
The UPS website told me that at 2:04PM, the UPS guy logged that the receiver did not want the order and had refused the delivery. Nephew and brother both swore they were in full view of the driveway and the front door for a good hour on either side of that time.
Dang it! I'd really wanted someone to speak to the UPS ninja when he'd tried to drop off the package. I wanted someone to tell him that, while I hadn't wanted this one, I did indeed want the next package coming my way. When I discovered that the notebook computer I wanted was not available, I scoured the web for another one. It was a short scour. The previous week, I'd narrowed my choices down to two and had picked one mostly at random. Since it was unavailable, I simply ordered the other. I also ordered a stick of memory. Always max out the system memory on a laptop. Although I'd ordered it two or three days after ordering the first one, but some fluke of weekend shipping, it was scheduled to arrive the very next day. I was afraid that perhaps UPS would think that I didn't want this other package as well. I also had a very real fear that I'd mixed up the tracking numbers and had just sent away the package I wanted to keep.
Luckily, my work schedule was such that I was home at 2:04PM the next day. I maintained a vigil from the top step, sitting right in front of the door, but in no way blocking the "Yes we want this one!" sign taped to it. After an hour or so, my butt started cramping. My brain wasn't much better. I started thinking about tracking numbers. Perhaps I could check the UPS website and see if the package was delayed or had already been returned or even already had been delivered and I'd been sitting on it without realizing it. Leaving a spare nephew to mind the top step, I ran inside to check the website.
The website said the package hadn't been delivered. When I returned to the front step, the nephew was holding a box and had a dazed look on his face. Though I'd been gone literally less than a minute, I'd missed the UPS ninja. Though I strained my ears to the utmost, I couldn't hear the soothing strains of a diesel engine somewhere in the distance.
No matter. I had my new laptop computer, an extra memory stick, and a hammer. I was happy. I'll tell you how that turned out later.
