"Day of the UPS Ninja" by Troy H. Cheek on Oct 13, 2008
While people normally associate ninjas with Japan, we in Tennessee know that there are quite a few around here. They don't wear black form fitting outfits, though. They wear brown shirts and shorts. And work for UPS.
Oh, sure, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Ninja move without being seen. UPS drivers stick "Sorry we missed you!" notes on your door without ever being seen in the neighborhood.
I should know. I live out in the boonies. Bumfuzzle, Egypt is between me and town. The sun sets between me and the local market. We have block and tackle mounted on the edge of the Earth so we can haul back stay cattle who wonder over to it and float away. We don't even bother looking both ways before crossing the street.
In other words, we should be able to hear a UPS truck -- a huge diesel 1-ton UPS box truck -- coming from a proverbial (and literal) country mile away. We should be able to hear a city-raised man in combat boots trudging up a set of wooden steps. We should be able to hear a screen door (which squeaks) open. We should be able to hear a screen door (rigged with heavy spring) slammed shut.
Particularly when we're in the front room, on the other side of said door, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the package. Instead, finally tired of waiting, I decide to go off and do something elsewhere, only then noticing the "Sorry we missed you!" note on your door.
Tired of being missed, I took to putting up notes saying that it was okay for the UPS guy to leave the packages without a signature. Eventually, UPS took to placing the package between the screen door and the inner door. Instead of gettings notes, I got to trip over the package and slide down the steps.
Later, we got a dog. Hank the wonderdoG just loooooved the UPS guy. I'm told that dogs bark at postal workers, meter readers, and other uniformed visitors because the dog barks every time he sees something new. After he barked, the something new left. The dog quickly "learns" that he's supposed to bark when he sees the uniform. Hence, your dog doesn't really hate the mailman, he's just playing the "bark and make him go away" game. Hank didn't do that. Hank barked because he loved everybody and was always happy to see you, regardless of how often or how seldom you came by.
As a watchdog, Hank made a pretty good doorstop. We often said that if someone came to rob the house, Hank would hold the bag for him.
On one particular day, Hank was outside when the UPS guy drove up. My younger brother, T2 (Mom gave us all names starting with "T" so we'd be easier to remember), was playing his special game of "fetch" with Hank. This game involved pointing off into the distance, quicking swinging his arm around, and telling Hank to go get it. Maybe one out of ten times, he'd actually throw something. Hank had given up and had just found him a napping spot on the porch when the UPS guy drove up. Seeing that the UPS guy was getting out, Hank decided he'd meet him halfway. Hank ran along the bench on the porch and launched himself at the guy at about neck level.
Now, admittedly, this was probably our fault. We had trained Hank to jump to us so we could catch him. T2 could even run him up the side of a building or a large tree until he ran out of momentum, at which time Hank would push off with all his might, turn a backwards flip, and land lightly in T2's arms. We found it mildly entertaining.
The UPS driver found it mildly horrifying. He looked up from checking his package just in time to see Hank take flight. I'm sure you've watched R-rated horror movies that had scenes less frightning than a German Spitz (aka Greater American Eskimo Dog) taking a flying leap at your face. Hank no doubt intended to hit about chest high and be caught by his good friend the UPS driver who had played all those great games of "bark and go away" with him. Unfortunately, UPS training does not include advanced Mittelspitz catching, so he panicked.
Luckily, T2 was close enough to notice Hank noticing the UPS truck, moved into position, and snatched Hank out of the air before he hit the UPS guy. The impact did spin T2 around a couple of times, and by the time he got his bearings again, the UPS guy was backing the truck up.
"He's just playing," T2 called. "He wouldn't hurt anybody. He thought you were playing a game. Come on back. You're safe."
"No way!" the UPS guy screamed back. "That dog had 'lunch' in his eyes!"
After that, Hank never failed to notice the UPS truck arriving. After that, I never tripped over a package propped against the front door, either. I'd find my packages at the end of the walkway, sitting on top of a car, over on a stump, brought to me by Jake the postman who had found it duck taped to the mailbox, etc.
Eventually, Hank the wonderdoG went to the great kennel in the sky, and our UPS guy either forgot about him or we got a new UPS guy. In any case, packages started mysteriously appearing on our doorstep again. Which was actually pretty convenient. Until...
I decided it was time for a new laptop/notebook/portable computer. I found a good deal and ordered one online. I also ordered a couple of memory sticks to max out the system memory. Always max out the system memory on a laptop. It makes the laptop seem five times faster than it really is. Anyway, I got confirmation that my order had been received. The next day, I got confirmation that my order had been filled. The next day, I got confirmation that my order had been shipped, complete with UPS tracking number. I took the tracking number to the UPS site to see when my package would arrive. It would arrive two days hence.
All 0.9 pounds of it.
