"Bad Driving 101" by Troy H. Cheek on Jun 02, 2008
The nephews here at the Cheek Compound are rapidly approaching driving age, so driving has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I also spend at least a couple and often several hours each day behind the steering wheel, so the subject is never far from the fore anyway. I've talked to several youngsters and a few oldsters about what they think of driving. Furthermore, I've made what I think are completely accurate assumptions about what people on the road must think about driving based on what they're actually doing on the road.
Some of these rules for driving might seem a bit odd, bizarre, contradictory, or even dangerous. If so, it's because you're stuck in the past and aren't in touch with today's roads, vehicles, and drivers. You see, automotive technology has come a long way since you learned to drive. Cars are different. Tires are different. Roads are different. Your fellow drivers are different. These are the new rules.
Speed limits are for losers.
Like parking meters, wheel taxes, emissions testing, and marking all the really good parking spaces as handicapped only, speed limits are just another way for The Man to keep you down. There's this thing called the 85th percentile. That's the speed at which 85% of people would drive based on road conditions, their own personal experience levels, and other factors IF they weren't afraid to get a speeding ticket. The Man intentionally sets the speed limit 10 or 15 miles per our slower than that just so he can stick it to you for driving at the speed at which it seems natural to drive.
Furthermore, in those rare cases where The Man sets a speed limit due to safety concerns, the speeds are based on the cars of 50 years ago riding with the wheels of 50 years ago on the roads of 50 years ago driven by the drivers of 50 years ago. Modern tires grip modern roads better, modern cars have more power per pound and can respond better, and a lifetime of playing video games means that the modern driver has much faster reaction times than any previous generation.
Any turn, any color, any situation.
"Right turn on red after stop" was okay for your grandfather, but today's drivers have too much going on in their lives to wait around for traffic lights to change, and they certainly don't have the attention span to learn all those silly rules about which way to turn and when they're supposed to stop. Most intersections are out in the open where any idiot can see what vehicles are coming from what direction. You don't need lights to tell you what to do.
When stopped at a red light, look around. If there's nothing coming, take that right turn. Take that left turn. Heck, drive straight through. You've already wasted a whole 8 seconds stopping at the intersection. There's no reason to wait 22 more for the light to change. Heck, if you can see while approaching the intersection that there's nobody around, why bother stopping in the first place?
Safety in numbers.
Everybody knows that it's dangerous to go out on your own. Thieves, con artists, police, and other unsavory characters are always looking for someone to pick on. For your own safety, stay as close to other cars as you can. By traveling in groups, you avoid getting caught off by yourself and becoming prey. At the very least, pick a "buddy car" and stick with it. Remember, if instructed by a traffic control device or person to move away from the group, ignore them.
Cruise control is sacred.
Everybody knows that cruise control is a wonderful thing. It makes the ride smoother. It leaves you more time to attend to other necessary driving functions (cell phone, conversation, radio, sex). It saves you gas. It's great!
However, you only gain these benefits if you keep the cruise control activated all the time. If you have to weave in and out of traffic, make someone trying to merge into your lane ride along on the shoulder for a few miles, or "time" a traffic light, well, then that's just how it will have to be. You can't be expected to disengage cruise control just to make things easier for other drivers.
Green means go.
When the light turns green, you're supposed to go. So why are you just sitting there? Because the old codger in front of you hasn't started moving yet. Go ahead and lean on the horn. Don't worry about being rude. If you've had time to notice that he isn't moving, you've waited long enough before beeping at him. Get moving, gramps!
Sure, he might say that he was just waiting for the car in front of him to pull away, but that's old timer thinking. If each car waits for the car in front to move a few car lengths out before moving, then by the time the car at the end of the line is moving, the light will have changed again. The solution is quite simple and bleedingly obvious to younger drivers: all cars should start moving forward as soon as the light turns green. No, you won't hit the car in front of you. How can you if it's moving, too? If it isn't, well, it's his fault you just plowed into him. Be sure to point that out to the judge.
Yellow means caution.
If the traffic signal turns yellow, watch out! No, don't watch for the light turning red; watch your fellow drivers. Check the drivers behind you to judge if they're the type to power through yellow lights. Remember, it's your fault if they rear end you because you stopped at a yellow. Everybody knows that you aren't expected to actually stop when you see a yellow light. Otherwise, it would be red.
The rule of thumb while approaching an intersection with a yellow light is that if you have to apply your brakes hard enough to spill your venti decaf, you shouldn't stop at a yellow light. In fact, if you can't just let off the gas and roll to a stop, you probably shouldn't be stopping.
Red means stop.
When the light turns red, stop. Within reason, of course. After all, nobody's expecting you to just stand on the brakes. That might cause someone to crash into you. If your "car buddy" is already proceeding through the intersection, you of course have to follow him. In fact, everyong knows that maintaining the flow of traffic is very important, and likewise cutting across the flow of traffic is illegal regardless of traffic control signals, so the entire group should go through.
Finally, if you're approaching an intersection whose traffic control light is already been red for a while, then obviously it's about to change to green again. As long as you time it correctly, there's no reason to stop or even slow down at this intersection.
Maintain a buffer.
It is important to maintain a space buffer around your car. Safety first! Always keep a close eye on the car behind your. Are you far enough out in front of him so that if you have to stop suddenly, he has time to stop without hitting you? If not, accelerate to a higher speed. Remember, this is a safety concern, so it's quite okay to disregard speed limits in this case. If you stop suddenly and are hit, it's your fault.
Make mine draft.
Any NASCAR driver will tell you that driving out on your own is bad. Driving side by side with another car is even worse. However, when two cars drive one behind the other almost bumper to bumper, something wonderful happens. Both cars go faster. Both cars get better gas mileage. It's like getting free gas!
What's happening is that the first car is pushing the air molecules aside almost like curtains. This takes energy. Normally, the air moleculs collapse together behind the car, creating suction that also takes energy to overcome. However, with the second car back there, the curtain can't close until the second car also passes. Instead of each car paying the energy price for both opening and closing the curtains, the first car pays only for opening and the second pays only for the closing. That's an energy savings of 50%!
If you add a third car in the middle, it doesn't have to pay for opening the curtian or pay for closing the curtain. The third car has virtually no air resistance. Obviously, it's in everyone's best interest to bunch up as closely as possible in the largest groups possible.
Merge vs. Yield
Today's drivers are often confused as to what the Merge and Yield signs mean. Both describe a situation where one flow of traffic will come together with another, but there are differences.
Merging is a violent, penetrative act. As such, it is not unreasonable to assume that the receiving stream of traffic might not be ready for it just yet. It may require more preparation time. Speak softly to it. Buy it a few more drinks. Idle down the shoulder of the road until it is ready to receive you. Remember, you're imposing your car into theirs. Be gentle.
Yielding is a more relaxed state. The receiving stream of traffic is already ready to receive you. Just ease out into the flow. Relax. Let it happen. There. Wasn't that nice?
Remember, you aren't expected to stop at either of these signs. After all, if you were expected to stop, it would be a Stop sign.
Disclaimer: On second thought, no disclaimer. If you're stupid enough to drive in the ways described in this article, you deserve whatever happens to you.
