"Uncle Troy Goes To Jail" by Troy H. Cheek on Apr 29, 2005

Sorry to get your hopes up with the deceptive title, but I didn't actually go to jail. I did recently have to go to court for about the 20th time. This time it wasn't for jury duty. I actually had to appear before a judge because of a traffic citation.

I haven't had a citation in nearly ten (10) years. Back then, it was a bogus speeding ticket. I say bogus because I know that I was doing 45mph more or less, even though the radar supposedly clocked me at 54mph. Of course, the speed limit was 35mph, so that defense doesn't really stand up in court. "Your honor, I was certainly breaking the law, but not quite as badly as the officer made it sound."

The officer initially told me that I was going 56mph which was more than 20mph over the speed limit, which according to him was the point where simple speeding became reckless driving. Luckily, I was wearing my glasses and could see the numbers 54 showing on his radar gun, so I got him to correct that on the ticket.

I chose not to make a fuss about the ticket because the officer's father and my father went to school together. When there's a total of seven kids in all eight grades being taught in a one-room school, you kind of have to consider the whole group as family. I decided to look upon the officer as a retarded cousin and went along with the whole thing so as not to cause him problems with his boss. I paid a minimal fine and went on with my life.

Later, a policewoman friend taught me many interesting things about patrol cars, some of which were actually related to police work. One thing was how to fake out a radar gun. It's pretty simple, actually. Start the radar and park yourself near an interstate or other road with a relatively high speed limit. Wait until someone drives by at a relatively high but legal speed and press the "hold" button (or whatever it's called on your unit) to lock in that speed on the display. Then move to a back road or school zone with a relatively low speed limit. Wait for the next bus full of nuns to come by that looks like it might be going a little fast. Pull them over and claim they were travelling at highway speeds. If they dispute this, point them to the numbers still showing on your radar gun.

Lest ye think that is too weird to be an actual police practice, I will remind you that I was present in the emergency room when an officer was brought in to have a metal pellet removed from his forehead after the pellet gun (which he used to break out brake lights so he could have an excuse to stop and search vehicles anytime he got bored on patrol) backfired. But that was then, and this is now. Or then but later. Regardless...

I won't go into the details of the accident because they aren't really important. What is important is that nobody got hurt, because everything else pales in comparison with taking a life. If it had been up to me, we would have just wiped the cold sweat from our brows, thanked God that no one was hurt, and gone on our merry little ways.

The driver of the other car took away that option when she called 911 and reported a carjacking. I think she had seen one too many episodes of "Crime Catchers" on the evening news. After spending a few minutes checking her and her passenger for broken bones and other injuries, not to mention pointing out that my "accomplice" to the crime was my 70 year old mother, I finally convinced the driver to shake the coffee out of her cellular phone and tell the police dispatcher that it was a simple fender bender. I also tried to convince her that we didn't need a police report, but they'd already dispatched an officer.

Not going to mention names, but if I really was a carjacker, I could have made off with a dozen cars by the time this state trooper arrived at the scene of the "emergency."

The trooper, in his infinite wisdom, decided that since the point of contact was forward of the midline on my vehicle and rear of the midline on the other, this qualified as a rear-end accident with me at fault. As such, policy required that he give me a traffic citation for following too closely. When I protested, he told me that this was the least of the things he could charge me with.

I think he meant that as a threat. A person with any sense would have backed off. I, on the other hand, simply chose a different line of attack. "Trooper Smith, I'm not a stranger to this process. I've been personally involved in three rear-end accidents in the last few years. One was in my personal vehicle and the other two were on the job. I've been hit in the rear while slowing to avoid a truck that pulled out in front of me, hit while doing 45mph by a guy doing 60mph in a 45mph zone, and hit while parked with the engine off doing a report on another accident earlier that day. In my job as a security officer, I've been present when dozens of other rear-end reports have been taken. In none of these cases did the officers taking the report so much as threaten to charge anybody with anything or make any determination as to who as at fault. The usual answer from them is that it's up to the courts to decide who is at fault."

"Well, obviously they don't work for my supervisor." I swear to God, that's word for word what he said.

I thought back to some of the supervisors I've worked for, and decided that I couldn't argue with that. Besides, my mother was getting cold. Also, I realized that I was scheduled to return to work in a few days and I didn't want to miss that by being in jail for handcuffing a state trooper to his own back bumper and dragging him down the highway a few miles.

The court date naturally fell on a workday after I was scheduled to go back to work, so the first thing I had to tell my boss upon returning from twelve weeks of medical leave was that I had to take a day off the very next week for a court appearance. Luckily, another officer in our department had a court appearance that very same day as a witness to another matter entirely. If the boss might have accidentally came to the conclusion that I was appearing with that other officer, I might have forgotten to correct him.

I called up my legal representative in such matters, my good friend Bob. Good ol' Bob and his loverly wife Barb have been in more car wrecks than any other ten couples I could name. I described the accident to him in great detail, then asked him the best strategy for fighting this ridiculous citation.

"Your best strategy is to take cash to pay the fine and any court costs, as they don't take personal checks or credit cards."

The particulars of the case really didn't matter, he told me, since it was classified as a rear-end accident which automatically makes the rear-ender at fault. "That car could have been dropped out of an airplane and landed tail-end on the hood of your truck and it would still be your fault. That's just the way the courts work around here. I doubt you could even get a lawyer to take this case if you decided to fight it."

I told him he was undoubtedly right, hung up, and immediately started calling lawyers. It turns out he actually was right. None of the lawyers I spoke to would take the case. Well, none of the lawyers who would give me a free initial consultation over the phone would take the case, which amounts to the same thing. I was considering importing a lawyer from Knoxville when I gave up and decided to act as my own lawyer and have a fool for a client.

Court itself was a bit of an anti-climax. I called ahead and was told that I didn't have to check in or show up early or anything like that. I arrived a few minutes early anyway and joined the 10 or 12 other groups of people present, half of which were their to resolve traffic citations given by Trooper Smith. Apparently, everyone who had an afternoon court appearance that day was told to arrive at 1pm. Since the judge who was supposed to be working that afternoon had been called away, general sessions court got squeezed in with juvenile court. I had to spend the first hour or so listening to the judge taking driver licenses away from kids who didn't look old enough to drive in the first place.

Interesting legal point number 27 (collect and save): If you make a claim in court, but can't provide proof on demand because you lost the papers, as far as the judge is concerned you just proved that your claim was false. Obtaining other copies a few days later does absolutely no good because "I have already ruled on this matter."

In my case, however, I didn't have any documents other than my citation and a copy of the trooper's accident report, which had arrived in the mail about 10 minutes before I had left for the courthouse that day. I did have several speeches rehearsed depending on what came up during my hearing. I was quite willing to go into depth and detail about a great many subjects. The other parties in the accident had not bothered to show up, and based on my own experience I knew that the trooper wouldn't remember much more about me or the incident than the inaccuracies he had put in his report. This conclusion was confirmed when Trooper Smith didn't recognize me or my name and I had to gesture him over when I went before the judge. I felt confident that I could talk circles around everyone present.

I was shot down when the judge simply looked over her papers and asked if I'd like the chance to just go to traffic school, successful completion of which would result in the citation being thrown out and the whole incident never appearing on my driving record.

So, Uncle Troy Goes To Traffic School will be coming soon to a webpage near you.

Copyright 2005 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to