"Of Doors and Doorks" by Troy H. Cheek on Jan 17, 2005

Welcome to the latest of my Bastard Officer from Hell series. As always, take it with a grain of salt. I'm obviously kidding.

Obviously.

Maybe.

I have something to say. It's going to upset some of you, but I think it really needs to be said. Here it is:

In the event of fire, most of you are going to die.

Not just fire, but also flood, plague, terrorist attack, and any other circumstances that require rapid, orderly exit from the building. You will find yourself incapable of a rapid, orderly exit and quite likely you are going to die.

Why do I say such an awful thing? Because in my mumphle years of experience working in the security field, I've discovered that most people are doorks.

What's a doork? Rich Hall of Sniglet fame once described a doork as someone who leaves a faceprint on a clearly labeled PULL door because he tried to PUSH.

That pretty much sums it up.

I've also discovered that if there are three doors to a particular area and two of the doors are unlocked, 90% of the people who need to get into or out of the area will bounce off the single locked door and mill around aimlessly like a herd of frustrated lemmings. Suggesting to them that they try another door will get you voted off the island faster than you can say "Sign says USE OTHER DOOR." Doork.

(On the other hand, if a building has 50 locked doors, the juvenile delinquent wandering in off the street will have no trouble finding the single unlocked one.)

Need to use a conference room? Don't bother walking down the hall to see if it's open. Call somebody to have it unlocked, then walk down and wait outside. When nobody shows up, call back and argue with them. When they finally show up, berate them for taking so long. When they reach past you to push open the unlocked door and reveal the twenty people inside waiting for your presentation... Doork.

Going to be working late every night for a few weeks? Don't bother bringing your key. Just show up in the middle of the night and demand that security, maintenance, and housekeeping all drop what they're doing and try every single one of the 85 keys that they carry between them to try to open the office door that only last week you had re-keyed so that only you and your secretary could open it. Doork.

I like being called to unlock doors due to an emergency, especially when I don't have a key. Curious that nobody complaining of an emergency is willing to let me kick the door down. I mean, if it's really an emergency, wouldn't a damaged lock be a small price to pay? I can knock out that little side window if you'd like. Please? No? Doork.

I stood outside a supply closet for 45 minutes waiting for the chance to kick the door in and rescue the nurse trapped inside. They never let me do it. What's the use of being a security officer if you can't kick doors in now and then?

Fire doors have many purposes. One is that they can always be opened from the inside, thus allowing people to exit in the event of a fire. Another is that they can't usually be opened from the outside, thus preventing the same people from running back into a burning building. And don't say that never happens. Fire Marshall Bill would not have a poster telling us not to go back into a burning building unless people actually tried to do it on a regular basis. Doorks, all of them.

Hey, why don't we leave the back door open all night? I mean, it's dark back there, and pausing to dig the key out of a purse will give some low-life a chance to commit some unspeakable crime or another. Much better to leave the door unlocked so that there is no delay. While we're at it, let's leave our cars unlocked so we can get in faster when somebody's chasing us. Doork.

If you call your doctor's office and make an appointment for the next day at 4, they most likely meant 4 in the afternoon and not 4 in the morning. And if you called on a Friday or Saturday, they probably meant 4 in the afternoon on the following Monday. I'm happy to check and see if anybody is in the office, but I am not going to unlock the building and the office and leave you in there while you wait around to see if the doctor shows up, even if you are absolutely sure the person you made the appointment with meant 4 AM this particular weekend morning. Doork.

It's not that I really think all people are doorks. Most people keep track of their keys and know which doors have been checked and are clear exits from the building in the event of an emergency. It's just that in my line of work, I have to deal with the idiots.

One time I responded to a fire call to find a person holding open a fire door. When I directed this person to close the door and move away from the building, the reply was "This door locks when you shut it. The fire fighters won't be able to get in." Well, first of all, you're letting in fresh air that feeds the fire. Secondly, the fire trucks usually pull up to the front of the building. Thirdly, there's this invention called a 'fire ax' which makes short work of minor inconveniences like doors. Fourthly, I've got keys to the building, which is why I respond to all fire alarms. Fifthly, you're a doork.

Please break yourself of the habit of asking someone to meet you on the third floor to unlock your office. Happy to do it, but if you have no intention of coming up to meet us, don't tell us otherwise. And, by the way, your office is on the second floor. Doork.

No, I won't unlock your office right now because you expect to come in some time later tonight and want to be able to walk right in when you get here. If you get here. After all, you've probably just sent me to the wrong office. Also, you might change your mind and not come in at all. Additionally, you're a doork.

The same unlocked door that provides easy access to your customers and employees also provides easy access to anybody who wants to just wander in and carry out anything not nailed down. When that happens, don't call me asking why I let it happen. Yes, loss prevention is listed in my job description, but that doesn't mean that every 'loss' is my fault. One of the ways to prevent loss is to keep your doors locked when nobody is in the office. You won't let me do that because you can't be bothered to take your key with you when you go out to lunch and can't be bothered to wait the 5 minutes it takes me to get to you when you call in the middle of all my other duties. Doork.

Is there a point to this article? Not really. I just felt like rambling and letting off steam for a while. Now, I've got to go.

Somebody's at the doork.

I mean, door...

Copyright 2005 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to