"We Keep Bankers' Flours" by Troy H. Cheek on Dec 27, 2004

I got a letter from my bank a few weeks back. Just to avoid lawsuits later, I'm going to refer to it as First County Bank. Anyway, the letter said that First County Bank was merging with First State Bank and would henceforth be known by that name. But, as the letter went on to say, I was not to worry. Only the name would change. I'd still get the same wonderful service from the same smiling faces that I'd been enjoying for years.

In my case, 20 or so years. I'd been banking with that bank since the previous name change. Or, as I occasionally point out to my cousin the assistant manager, since she was in diapers.

Nothing settles a dispute over a checking account balance faster than being able to shout "Don't take that tone with me, young lady! I used to change your diapers!"

I went to school with the manager's sons. Lots of interesting things I can shout at her, too.

My feelings when I read "same wonderful service" was similar to what I imagine the Poles felt when the Nazis moved out and the Marxists moved it. But since I'd been with that bank for so long, I figured I'd give the new ownership the benefit of the doubt.

The benefit of the doubt got a swift kick in the knee a few days later. I got a second letter saying that once the merger officially went through on the 6th of the upcoming month, I could not use my First County ATM card. I had the option of doing without an ATM card altogether, or I could fill out this application for a new First State ATM card. I set the application aside to be filled out in my copious free time.

A few days after that, I got another letter in the mail. This letter contained new First State ATM card. I looked at it, looked at the application which I hadn't even begun filling out yet, and shook my head. The letter which came with the ATM card said that I could activate and use said card once the merger officially went through on the 4th of the upcoming month.

The sticker on the actual card said that I could use it after the merger officially went through on the 12th of the upcoming month.

I needed some cash to do some Christmas shopping, so I used my First County ATM card, which curiously enough still worked at that point.

Another few days passed and, almost like clockwork, I got another letter. This one contained the PIN or Personal Identification Number which would activate the new First State ATM card. It seems that in addition to calling a 1-800 from my home phone and confirming my date of birth and social security number (and sitting through a lengthy sales pitch for several optional services), I also had to use that card in an official First State ATM with that PIN before it was actually really activated.

Somewhere around this point in time, I spoke with my father. He mentioned in passing that he'd just spent two hours on the phone getting his directly deposited check fixed. It seems that First State Bank had a different routing number than First County Bank had. Seeing as my bi-weekly paycheck was also a case of direct deposit, I thought I might need to look into that as well.

I needed to cash a check, so I took all these letters down to the bank with me one fine Saturday morning. I knew from past experience that at least one and possibly all of bank managers would be there. "I need to talk to the manager."

"Sorry, sir. The manager isn't in today."

"What? She's always been here on Saturday before when I had a problem. Said she had to work Saturday because so many customers like me couldn't come in to see her during the regular work week."

"Sorry, sir. She'll be back in on Monday. Can you come back then?"

"What did I just say?"

At that point, she looked at me sideways like a confused dog. I decided that being clever wasn't going to get me anywhere.

"Never mind that. Let me speak to the assistant manager."

"Sorry, sir. We don't have an assistant manager."

"Then what job does my cousin do? She's usually sitting at that desk right over there. The one with the 'assistant manager' nameplate sitting on it."

"Oh, you mean the assistant manager. She'll be back in on Monday. Can you come back then?"

Augh! "No, I can't come back then. I guess I need to speak to whoever is nominally in charge when the manager and assistant manager aren't here."

"Oh, that would be me, sir."

Of course it would.

I showed her the first letter. "Please read this. I underlined the more important parts."

"Mumble mumble 'merger' mumble mumble 'only the name will change' mumble mumble 'same wonderful service' mumble mumble. Yes, sir?"

"Not too long after I got that letter, I got this one telling me that my old First County ATM card will no longer work."

"Of course, sir. You need an ATM card issued from First State."

"Why?"

"Well, sir, you wish to continue to do business with us, don't you?"

"Why would I need a new card to do business with you?"

"Well, sir, because we're now First State instead of First County."

"So when that first letter said 'only the name will change' it was lying?"

"No, sir. Of course not, sir. We don't lie."

"So I can still use my old First County ATM card?"

"No, sir. We're First State now."

"So more than just the name has changed?"

At this point her brain froze up and they had to cart her away. Her replacement was much more helpful in that she didn't try to be helpful at all. She told me point blank that I could either use the new First State ATM card or I could do without. And if I thought that a signed statement from the president of the bank telling me that only the name would change would stand up in court as a valid contract, I was welcome to sue. Of course, she wasn't willing to put any contradictory statement in writing.

I was tempted to tell her that I was considering going to court if need be, but I needed a few more questions answered and didn't want to get sidetracked. I told her about my father having to change the routing number. I was also tempted to tell her that he was already planning to sue if he didn't get his money soon.

"The old First County routing number will continue to work fine, along with the new First State routing number. There's no need to change the routing number. But as long as you've got the forms for your direct deposit here with you, we can go ahead and change it."

"Why bother if the old one still works?"

"Well, just to be safe."

"Safe about what?"

"Well, just in case."

"In case of what? Does the old routing number work or doesn't it?"

"Of course it works?"

"Is it going to stop working any time soon?"

"Of course not."

"Then why bother changing it?"

"Well, just to be safe."

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I finally let her fill out the forms for me. In the stead of an official bank document with the new routing number on it, I got a piece of paper with the old bank letterhead and the new routing number handwritten under it. And just in case there were any questions, she'd included her business card, which had the old bank name on it. "Sorry, sir, but we just merged this week. We don't have anything with the new bank name or routing number on it yet."

As I was gathering up my papers, I asked about my checks. "They all still have 'First County Bank' and the old routing number on them."

"That's okay, sir. You can continue to use those until you run out."

"Oh, that's good, because I ordered in bulk when I first opened my account and I still have about a thousand of them left."

"Well, you can use those until you run out or for another 5 months, whichever comes first."

"I thought so. Why don't we just order some new checks while I'm here?"

"Well, sir, we kind of don't have any order forms with the new bank name or routing number on them yet."

Of course not. "I'll stop back by next weekend then."

"Very good, sir. Have a great day!"

In the mean time, I have to hire a new attorney. Oh, sure, I've had an entire law office on retainer for the last several years, but it turns out that this law office merged with another law office a while back and, even though they've still been cashing my monthly checks, they apparently aren't really on retainer for me anymore as my agreement was under the former name. So I've got to hire a new attorney to sue the old attorneys and get my money back. Then I'll think about suing the bank.

Addendum: Just after I'd finished this piece of "fiction" I got a call from the bank saying that the old routing number would stop working at the end of the year, any future direct deposits using said routing number would fail, and that I should have changed the routing number as soon as I found out that the banks were merging as anyone with a lick of sense would realize that the old one would stop working almost immediately.

And, no, none of their staff had ever told me anything different.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$