"And You Call Yourself a Scientist!" by Troy H. Cheek on Nov 01, 2004

Just in case I haven't mentioned it before, I like old movies. Mostly, I like old scifi or horror movies. I guess that should be scifi and horror movies, as most of the old scifi movies I like had horrific monsters in them and most of the old horror movies I liked had elements of science fiction in them. Kind of a mix and match sort of deal type thing.

I once had a fairly large selection of old movies on videotape. Some were retail copies, some were bought used at rental shops, and some were recorded "live" off broadcast TV. Then I got a DVD player and a Digital Video Recorder and pretty much stopped using videotapes at all. Now I'm having to re-create my entire collection on DVD. Time consuming, but at least nobody has to stretch to find a Christmas present for me this year. (If you don't like buying movies on DVD, I also need socks and underwear.)

To be really enjoyable, these movies had to fall into one of two categories. Either they had to have been so well done that, even with the primitive special effects and ridiculously low budgets, they allowed one to willingly suspend one's disbelief and become immersed in the story, -OR- they had to have been so poorly done the one spends the whole time clutching at one's sides as one rolls around on the floor laughing with tears leaking out of one's eyes.

The first is okay. I really like the second type.

It should surprise no-one that I'm a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Like me, they make fun of bad movies. Most of the movies shown on MST3K are quite old in addition to being bad. It's not that old movies are, as a class, not as good as new movies. It's just old movies are cheaper to get the broadcast rights for. This is a point that I was never able to get across to a certain stubborn critic of mine. As far as he was concerned, MST3K and its fans (myself particularly) were just making fun of old movies simply because they were old. Proof, he claimed, was his statement that MST3K had never shown a movie less than 10 years old.

Even though this was pre-Google, we were able to come up with a few examples of movies less than 10 years old which received the MST3K treatment. These were recent movies made in the USA but had, interestingly enough, been re-released overseas under different titles. It was actually cheaper for Best Brains to obtain broadcasting rights of these re-titled movies from the foreign lands. You'd think that trans-atlantic shipping would add to the total or something like that.

My critic's response to this was something to the effect that these movies didn't count because they were box office flops that had been distributed overseas in a desperate attempt to make money. Which is why they were available so cheaply.

Which is exactly the point we were trying to make, yet somehow he felt this proved his point instead.

And, no, his name wasn't Zorch Frezberg, though I admit that Zorch did use this debating style with me on several occasions.

Speaking of Zorch, I seem to recall that he took his Fidonet handle from the name of a mad scientist in a particularly bad science fiction movie, which brings us back to the subject of this article.

(Didn't think I could do it, did you?)

No decent (or decently bad) scifi/horror/fantasy movie is complete without at least one mad scientist. In most cases, he's the one in the lab coat, wearing glasses, speaking with a foreign accent. He either created the monster or wants to communicate with it or wants to study it, even if such efforts will cost his or (preferably) somebody else's life. Or lives.

And if his helpers/assistants/fellow scientists don't immediately agree that the life's blood of a blonde virgin is a small price to pay for the possibility of studying an intelligent artichoke from the planet Vega? Breeding a strain of omniverous rabbits seems a little extreme to take care of a minor werewolf problem? Sending off a platoon of Army extras to die just so you can have more time to perfect your already servicable formula? Scorn them all with a mocking "and you call yourself a scientist!"

Which, incidentally, is the name of very neat website I encountered recently. And You Call Yourself a Scientist! is a website about mad scientists in film, maintained by a self-professed mad scientist. And the maintainer is a female mad scientist. We just don't see enough of those around anymore. She has a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor. And she loves old movies. If she didn't live in Australia, I'd size her up as the next Ex-Mrs. Cheek.

(Just kidding, Kitten!)

And You Call Yourself a Scientist! has reviews and plot summaries of literally hundreds of movies. Science Fiction. Horror. Fanstasy. Cult Classics. You can spend days reading through them all. I know that I have. In fact, if you want to assign a reason for the lack of updates to my site recently, And You Call Yourself a Scientist! should be first on your suspect list.

So be sure to check out And You Call Yourself a Scientist! and, as always, let them know that I sent you. $link:twtd.bluemountains.net.au/Rick/liz.htm$

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$