"Hellular Service Part 1" by Troy H. Cheek on Sep 20, 2004

Cellular phones are perhaps one of the greatest inventions since sliced toothpaste. They allow us to keep in touch and get work done during otherwise wasted time that used to be spent while driving, dealing with family, fishing, exercising, relaxing, etc. I have nothing against cellular phones in and of themselves; it's the cellular phone users that drive me crazy. Much the way I love God, but have trouble with the actions of some of His fan clubs.

Perhaps I'm just a bit old-fashioned, but I always thought that if you were visiting with someone or having dinner with them, especially with an attractive member of the opposite sex, that you should spend the majority of your time talking or otherwise interacting with that someone. Instead, some people spend all their time talking on their cellular phone, and the someone turns around and tries to start a conversation with me. And while I'm always interested in making new friends, I don't care to do so while trying to slurp noodle soup.

I guess I always assumed that the use of cellular phones while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment would be immediately outlawed the first time someone drove off the road while arguing with his wife. Apparently, this didn't happen, because the 20 people who saw the accident used their cellular phones to call 911 (or, if you're a member of the controlling elite that rules the world, 912), so somebody got the idea that having cellular phones in cars actually makes the roads safer. I'll remember that the next time I'm bouncing somebody off my fender when he wanders into my lane. And what's more annoying than a cell-bored stranger at the next table talking to you while you're trying to slurp soup? A cell-bored stranger in the next lane talking to you while you're waiting out a red light.

Oh, if you're one of the people who bought the cellular/car radio conversion kit, which lets you use your car radio as a speaker phone, stop using it. I know the manufacturer claims that it uses a very low-power transmitter that won't carry outside the car, but you're still drowning out my "Mellow Sounds of the 70's and 80's" from two lanes over. And if you don't know who you are, well, I've been taking notes and if you keep talking, soon I will.

Even you with digital phones must realize that you sometimes get an analog connection, meaning that people with the right equipment can listen in on your calls. Yes, this is illegal, but the sale of equipment which could do it (or be easily modified to do it) was not made illegal until 1994, and some of it was made well enough that I'm sure it's still functional.

Of course, those with cellular phones will write off all the above as sour grapes, since it's common knowledge that I don't own one. They don't, however, take into account that I did try to get one once...

It was a couple of summers back and I wandered into the local electronics shop, a member of a large chain whose lawyers want me to stop referring to it by name. I'll just call it Rip-Off Shed. I wandered into this store and said hello to the manager, Myron. As was my custom, I asked if there was any new gadget that I just couldn't live without. As it turns out, there was. He showed me a tiny little digital cellular phone, which came complete with battery, recharging station, and a ton of other accessories, all for some outrageous price, but however was nearly free if you just signed up for a year with the service plan they were offering.

I had already researched cellular phones, so I had a list of objections. Battery life was too short for a man who wanted to carry the phone with him day-in and day-out. Not so, said Myron. The digital phone transmitted at only 600mW, giving it a very long battery life. Okay, then I'd have trouble getting and keeping a usable signal given that weak transmitter. Not so, said Myron. Local Cellular Provider "A" had put up towers all over the place due to recent sporting events pulling in large crowds, and the digital signal had a longer usable range than standard analog.

Well, I was sure that the service plan would cost me an arm and a leg. Not so, said Myron. The plan was like $30/month, which included a couple of hours of talk time, with further talk time costing only a flat rate of 18 cents per minute, nights and weekends free. Plus, by signing now, I received 1000 free minutes each of the first three months. Hey, and it even included free voice mail, so I could leave my phone off most of the time and just talk to the people I wanted. Oh, but I'd use up all my free minutes checking my voicemail. Not so, said Myron. I could check the voicemail from any phone, and besides, the first minute of every conversation was free, so if I checked my voicemail and there wasn't any, it wouldn't cost my anything.

I hemmed and hawed a bit, but when he mentioned the statewide local calling, where I could call from anywhere in the state to anywhere in the state for no extra charge, I was hooked. Having unlimited night and weekend conversations with my out-of-town friends would save me much more in long distance bills than I would pay for the phone.

I started using the phone immediately, and immediately found a couple of problems. First of all, converage wasn't anywhere near as complete as Myron had indicated. Sure, there were towers all over, but they had been put up by Local Cellular Provider "B" and I would incur hefty roaming charges if I used them. Also, all my calls were going through as analog, not digital. Local Cellular Provider "A" didn't have digital service in my area yet, and even "B" wasn't planning on adding it any time soon.

The trouble really started a couple of weeks later when I called Customer Service to see how many of my 1000 free minutes were left. I found that not only were most of them still left, but I'd already run up an almost $100 bill. Why weren't my free minutes being used? Well, it seems that the 1000 free minutes only counted if you were calling from your local tower, the one nearest your home. I explained that I couldn't even get a usable signal when I was at home. Oh, then my local tower must be the one I was closest to when the phone was first used. Ah. My local tower was on the north end of town near the Rip-Off Shed, then. So I'd have to go their to use my 1000 minutes every month, right? Well, kinda, but I was confused about the 1000 minutes. I got 1000 minutes, period, and 3 months to use them, not 1000 minutes for each of the 3 months like Myron said.

Well, I said, I still shouldn't have such a big bill because most of my calls were made at night and on weekends. When the customer service representative asked why that would be, as there wasn't that much difference between day and night rates, I told her about the free nights and weekends. That feature is no longer offered, I was told.

I asked to speak to a manager and went over every aspect of my service plan. No, first minute of every call wasn't free, only the incoming calls so I could decide if I wanted to spend money talking to that person or not. Day and night rates were different, both more than the flat rate Myron quoted me. The number I called to check my voicemail was long distance from my home phone.

Things went really downhill when the manager asked me why I didn't know any of this. Didn't I read my contract? Yes, I did, I answered. All the contract says is that I'm signing up for the Cost Saver Plus plan, details available from your cellular sales representative. Once I explained that I had gotten all these silly ideas from Myron, my cellular sales representative, the manager got a bit more polite. When I told him that, as I understood state law, I could break this contract within 30 days of the signing (I still had a week left), he got downright helpful.

Well, he decided, he supposed that he could offer me some of the features I'd been promised for a small additional fee each month. When I didn't bite, he explained that the fee could be waived, but that the other features couldn't be offered because the billing computer wasn't set up for it. When I still didn't bite, he promised to personally review my bill every month, making the necessary changes manually, and letting the company take a loss if need be so that I could have the service plan I thought I was signing up for. I told him that I would consider it.

That night, I called a friend to discuss the situation. Or rather, I tried to. I discovered that my cellular service had been suspended due to the money I had not paid during past billing cycles. Since I was still in my first billing cycle, this made no sense. I called up customer service and cancelled. I turned the phone in to Rip-Off Shed the next day. Myron was nowhere to be seen. I asked and was told that he had been given the opportunity to return to regional headquarters for more training.

I hope he got it.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$