"Would you like Service with That?" by Troy H. Cheek on Sep 13, 2004

I pulled into the new curbside service area and hit the little button.

"Thank you for dining at Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service. What can I order for you today?" Or at least, that's what I reconstructed from the screeches, squeals, and buzzes coming from the little speaker.

"Yeah, I'd like a sausage and egg breakfast burger, and a large diet drink easy on the ice."

Squeak. Hiss. "Would you like fries with that?"

"Not today, thanks."

Snap. Crackle. Pop. "That'll be $3.80 and we'll have it right out."

If that was right out, I'd hate to see there will be a short delay.

"Here you go, sir," the teeny bopper said as she handed me my order. "Say, are you planning to come back tonight to take advantage of our special promotional offer?"

"What special offer would that be?"

"Six for six after six on the sixth."

"Say that three times fast," I mumbled.

"Six for six after six on the sixth. Six for six after six on the sixth. Six for six after six on the sixth." And she didn't even lose her chewing gum.

"Show off. What exactly does that mean?"

"That means that you get six of our 16 ounce Junior Burgers for six dollars after six o'clock on the sixth of any month. It's our way of rewarding steady customers such as yourself."

"Oh," I replied. "I figured it was your way of drumming up business on the slowest night of the month."

"That, too. See you tonight, sir!"

If the special promotional offer had ended at six o'clock, I never would have made it. However, since it started at six o'clock, I not only got off from work on time, but I hit no heavy traffic and every signal light was green. I pulled into the parking lot at 5:45pm. I figured even for such a good customer like me, they wouldn't bend the rules by 15 minutes, so I turned on the radio, propped my feet up, and waited.

At 6:00pm sharp, half a dozen other cars and trucks came pouring into the parking lot. I hit the little button on my order box as fast as I could, but several other people beat me to it. It was nearly 6:05 when it was finally my turn to order.

"Yes, I'd like six of your 16 ounce Junior Burgers, hold the mayonaise and the mustard." I don't like mayonaise, my nephew doesn't like mustard.

"Okay, sir. That will be $13.13 and we'll have it right out."

"Woah, woah, woah!" I yelled. "I wanted the six for six after six on the sixth deal."

"Sir, that offer is only available on the 6th of the month."

"Well, what's the date today?"

"Tuesday."

I finally got her to check the calendar and admit that it was indeed the 6th of the month.

"I'm sorry, sir. That offer is only available after 6:00."

"What time do you have now?"

"Sir, I have 7:50."

"Excuse me, but isn't 7:50 later than 6:00?"

"Sorry, sir. We go by military time. I should have said that it is 5:50."

"Why is it that you have 5:50 while my watch, the voice on the radio, and that sign in front of the bank down the road all say 6:05?"

"I explained that, sir. We go by military time."

"I use military time at work, young lady. It does not cause your clocks to run 15 minutes slow."

"Oh, that. That's the clock on the computer, which is a little slow. The computer won't let us ring up the 6for6after6onthe6th promotion until after it says 6:00."

"Well, why don't you just set the computer's clock ahead 15 minutes."

"Oh, we can't do that, sir. The computer clock is set and maintained by the head office. Now, would you like to pay $13.13 for your burgers, or do you want to cancel your order?"

"Actually, I think I'll talk to the manager."

"I'll send her right out."

If the manager had been male, I would have said that he wasn't old enough to shave. I've learned not to say that about women. They get offended for some reason.

I explained the situation, showed her that it was now 6:10, and told her that all I wanted was my burgers.

"Oh, then why did you tell them to cancel your order?"

"I didn't. They asked me if I wanted to pay full price or cancel my order, and I answered that I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay, sir. I don't know what the problem was, but as it's now" -she checked her watch- "6:10, you can just hit the button and place your order again." She walked back towards the door.

"Thank you for dining at Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service. What can I order for you today?"

"I'd like the 6for6after6onthe6th special offer."

"Sir, that offer is only available after 6:00."

"I just talked to the manager, and she said it's after 6:00 now and that you'll give me the discount."

"Sir, our manager isn't here today. It's her day off."

"Well, whoever you sent out here when I asked to speak to the manager told me that. She's the young lady walking back into the door right... now!"

"Um, that will be $6.66 and we'll have it right out."

"And I'd like one of those customer feedback postcards, while you're at it."

"I'm sorry, sir. We don't use those anymore. To leave customer feedback, you'll need to hit the 'customer feedback' button at the Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service corporate website."

I told her I'd do that. When the order came, I paid the money but didn't tip. I got home and gathered the nephews for supper. We opened our six 16 ounce Junior Burgers without mayonaise or mustard. They had no lettuce, no pickle, no tomato, no onion, but were swimming with mayonaise and mustard.

I logged onto the Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service corporate website faster than my nephews could get into a food fight, which they probably wouldn't have done if I had stayed to eat with them instead of running off to the computer room. I clicked around on the website for 20 minutes and never found anything remotely like a 'customer feedback' button. Even email to the webmaster bounced back as undeliverable.

"Thank you for dining at Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service. What can I order for you today?"

"Yeah, I'd like a sausage and egg breakfast burger, and a large diet drink easy on the ice. Oh, and I'd like to speak to the manager."

"That will be $4.20 and she'll be right out."

A different young female came out. This one claimed to be the actual store manager, and said that I had probably spoken to the shift manager the night before. I explained the problem with the previous night's order and the problem with the website. She said she was very sorry. She gave me a 1-800 number to call for customer complaints and also offered to let me have my breakfast for free.

I pointed out that she had already taken my money.

"Oh, well, remind us and we'll give you tomorrow's breakfast for free."

I called the customer complaint hotline, where I spoke to another young lady who was also very sorry and promised to mail me some coupons for free meals during my future visits. She also told me of their new promotional offer.

"We call it eleven for eleven after eleven on the eleventh. 11 burgers for $11 dollars after 11pm on the 11th of every month."

"Thank you," I told her.

I didn't bother telling her at all that the local Sir Pukesalot Family Restaurant and Taxidermy Service closed at 10pm.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$