"Cable Modem Destiny (6 of 6)" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 30, 2004

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"I have a little question about this bill I just received. I was connected to your analog cable television service and your Ultra Fast Cable Internet last month..."

"Sir, our records show that our Ultra Fast Cable Internet service is not yet available in your area."

"I know. Your files need updating. Talk to your supervisor. And if you don't believe me, I'll send you email from my Ultra Fast Cable Internet account."

She didn't, but humored me by letting me have her helpdesk's email address. Moments later, I could hear a "new mail!" sound in the background.

"Um, okay. Sir, what seems to be the problem today?"

"Well, ma'am, you seem to be billing me for several premium movie channels."

"Sir, our records show that you are receiving those channels."

"Well, ma'am, the problem is that y'all sent me a letter a couple of months back telling me that those premium movie channels would no longer be available with the analog service package, and if I didn't upgrade to the digital service package, I could no longer receive them."

"Sir, that matches my information here."

"Well, ma'am, how exactly am I receiving those channels if I have analog service?"

"Sir, my information shows that you are receiving them."

After several minutes of trying to get them to see the paradox... "Well, ma'am, I'll tell you what. I'll happily pay for those channels if you can send somebody out here to turn them on for me."

"Hold, please." Nice music.

When she finally came back on the line, she allowed that I had been accidentally billed for channels which were no longer available in my area and which, in fact, had been associated with the service at my old address and which shouldn't have even been mentioned in the service contract at my new address. "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes, ma'am. It looks like I'm getting a pro-rated charge for about three days of service towards the middle of November, charged for a month of time between mid-November and mid-December, and charged for a month of time between mid-December and mid-January. I was told when I signed up that my billing cycle would run from the start of each month, and that I wouldn't be charged for November since I would't be connected until halfway through that billing cycle."

"Sir, that was true at your old address. However, since service started at your new address in the middle of the month, your billing cycle has been adjusted to start from there. The three days of pro-rated charges are due to service starting a few days before the start of the month."

I thought a moment and decided that I could accept that. "Ma'am, I guess I can accept that. Now what about my being billed for the first month of service twice?"

"Sir, the first month would be mid-November to mid-December, and that's only listed once."

"Yes, ma'am but that doesn't take into account the fee I paid at the time of installation which was supposed to include the first month's service."

"Sir, you shouldn't have had to pay any fee at the time of installation. We are currently offering free installation for our Ultra Fast Cable Internet."

I told her that I'd asked about that at the time. I was told that the free installation only applied to new Cardassian Cable subscribers. I had been a television subscriber for years.

"Sir, you still shouldn't have had to pay anything at the time of installation. Most people simply have any installation charges put on their first month's bill."

I explained that I'd asked about that as well, but had been told that the policy was that any installation charges had to be paid for at the time of installation. In fact, I was told that I would't even be getting a first month's bill. "Ma'am, I was told that because I was starting service in the middle of the November billing cycle, I would not be charged for November. I was further told that the fee I paid at the time of installation was so high because it included my first month's service. I was finally told that because I had already paid for the first month's service, I would not receive a bill for the first month and the first bill I would receive would actually be in late December for service in the month of January."

We argued back and forth for some time over that, and eventually my call was bumped up to a supervisor, then to a department head. I was eventually told that although the salespeople were authorized representatives of Cardassian Cable, said Cardassian Cable was not required to abide by any agreement made by said salespeople if it went contrary to the Terms of Service agreement I entered into by accepting their Ultra Fast Cable Internet service, even if the only understanding of the Terms of Service agreement I had was from my conversations with the salespeople.

Besides, the salesperson who'd handled my particular sale was a close personal friend of the department head, and he knew that she would never mislead me like that.

I was also told that they recorded all calls and could play mine back to me to prove that I was never told my first month's service fees were paid at the time of installation.

"That sounds like a good idea. Let's play that back. I'll hold while you cue up the tape."

"Um, sir, we take customer confidentiality very seriously. That tape can only be played for authorized company personnel."

"So, to protect customer confidentiality, you won't play the tape even for the customer whose confidentiality you're protecting?"

"Correct, sir."

"To Hell(tm) with it, then. I'll pay for the first month again."

And I did.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I got a good deal on my Ultra Fast Cable Internet service for the first three months? Special promotional offer. I got the first three months for only $9.99 a month. The first bill I got even had "$9.99 (Special Three-Month Promotional Offer)" written by the first two months of Ultra Fast Cable Internet that they were billing me for.

The next bill that came, charging for the third month, showed full price.

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"Yes, this is..." I gave them my name and address. "I have a little question about this bill I just received. I was connected to your analog cable television service and your Ultra Fast Cable Internet a couple of months ago..."

"Sir, our records show that our Ultra Fast Cable Internet service is not yet available in your area."

"I know. Your files need updating. Talk to your supervisor. Anyway, you seem to be billing me full price for my third month of Ultra Fast Cable Internet service. When I signe up, I was told that I'd receive the first three months for $9.99 each."

"Sir, we don't offer a deal like that. Perhaps you mean $19.99 for the first three months or $9.99 for the first month?"

We argued back and forth for a while. I finally dug out last month's bill. "Ma'am, I have my last bill from you, and by the two months I was billed for on it, it clearly says 'Special Three-Month Promotional Offer.' Would you like me to FAX you a copy of your own bill showing that you did indeed offer me this deal."

"Hold, please." More nice music.

She eventually came back on the line. "Sir? I spoke to the supervisor, and he spoke to the department head, and I have been given clearance to credit your account for the difference just this once. I have also been told to inform you that no more adjustments will be made to your bill from this office. If you have any more problems, you should contact your regional sales manager as apparently you have signed up for some special local promotion which we were not made aware of. Your next bill from us will be for $80 and will not be changed. Every bill after that will be for $80 and will not be changed. I have been told to inform you that if you do not like it, you are welcome to cancel your service and take your business elsewhere!"

"$80 is fine. That was what I was expecting once the special three-month promotional offer ran out, anyway. Thank you very much."

The next bill was for $90. They had raised the rates for their cable television service. I decided not to call.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$