"Cable Modem Derivation (5 of 6)" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 23, 2004

After years of looking forward to cable Internet service after being preached at by my distant and possibly unrelated cousin Bill Cheek, I was finally hitting pay dirt. Cardassian Cable was sending somebody out to install cable television service at my new address, hooking me up to their Ultra Fast Cable Internet at the same time. This was going to cost me $96 at the time of the install, but I wasn't too upset about that, as that $96 covered the first month's service as well.

I moved the computer to its new home and popped the side panel off. I'd been told that they'd either be installing a cable modem card or hooking an external cable modem to a networking card, and either way they'd have to stick something in a PCI slot in my computer. I'd been requested to have my computer open and my Windows installation CD handy.

The contractor arrived, ran wires, told me that I would have to use my existing network card as all he had were external modems and hadn't been ordered to bring a network card to install, and told me to power up the computer. I did. He hooked up the modem, showed me that it accessed the Internet, collected his $96, and hit the road.

I was on the Internet. At blazing Ultra Fast speeds!

For about a day and a half.

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"I was connected to your Ultra Fast Cable Internet service yesterday. Today, it stopped working" I gave her my name and address.

"Please hold." Nice music.

She came back on and started rattling off things to check and change. When she paused for breath, I couldn't do any of those things because I wasn't sitting in front of my computer.

"Sir, can you move to your computer?"

"Yes, but I don't think the phone cord would reach."

As it turns out, Cardassian Cable was able to install cable at the new address within two weeks, but the phone company was going to take another two weeks before they could move my phone service. I was told that I couldn't use Cardassian Cable customer service until I could make the phone call from right in front of the computer.

"Excuse me, but don't your radio advertisements harp about how your Ultra Fast Cable Internet service doesn't require a phone. In fact, don't you mention that with VoIP (Voice of Internet Protocol) via your cable Internet service, people could cancel their phone service because they don't even need a phone anymore?"

"Well, yes."

"Then exactly how did you intend to provide customer support for people who cancel their phone service if they have to have a phone right next to the computer before you'll provide customer support?"

"Sir, the way you ask that, there's no answer to your question."

I get that a lot, now that I think about it. I did get from her a list of things to try the next time I was in front of the computer. None of them worked. A few more calls got a few more lists, none of which worked. I also had to go through the spiel about having a phone right next to the computer every time I called.

I take that back. Some things I tried would work, but only for a day or two at most. Sometimes, they'd last only hours, or stop working the next time I rebooted my computer. But I was promised that if I could ever place the phone call while sitting in front of the computer, my problems could be resolved instantly.

I borrowed my crazy brother Tony's cellular phone. I made the call.

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

I told them about my problems with their Ultra Fast Cable Internet service. We tried several things, none of which worked. The young lady helping me started to sound depressed. Finally, she had me type some cryptic commands at the command prompt. I read off the results and she immediately perked up.

"Sir, that means that you've got a bad network cable, probably a cheap one thrown together by some fly-by-night company that doesn't understand the importance of proper impedence and grounding. You should use the one we provided with your modem."

"I am using the one you provided with my modem, ma'am."

"Oh. Um, sir, could you try a differnet one?"

I had to run to the local computer store to buy another one. This one worked.

For about a day and a half.

Bypassing my local cable company, I ran back to my local computer store for advice. The cable modem I was using probably wasn't the problem, they said, because they sold the same model and hadn't had any complaints. The network cable tested as good in the store. They offered to sell me a new network card, but the only ones they had in stock were nearly identical to the one I already had. In fact, I'd bought it from them a few months before.

One of the girls had a thought and disappeared into the back of the store for a while. She came back out blowing the dust off of something. It was a network card. From Hell.

Honestly, I've used video cards that were smaller than this thing.

"Okay, sir. Disregard the parallel port, the RS-232 port, the BNC connector, and these screw terminals on the end. Just plug your networking cable into the port your recognize and it should work. It's so old that your computer shouldn't even need any special drivers to work with it."

"Thanks." I think.

I took it home and, wonder of wonders, it worked. I've used it ever since without the slightest problem. Sure, my computer's power supply died a few weeks later and I had to replace it with one that had twice the rated amperage on the 12V rail, but I'm sure that was just a coincidence. And I'd always wanted a computer that could double as a space heater.

Everything was fine between me and Cardassian Cable's Ultra Fast Cable Internet service.

Until I got the first bill.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$