"Cable Modem Declination (4 of 6)" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 16, 2004

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'd like to sign up for your Ultra Fast Cable Internet package." I gave her my name and address.

"Please hold." Nice music.

I'd been calling my local cable company off and on for about five (5) years asking about their cable Internet service. For the last couple of years, they'd been telling me that Internet service would not be available in my area until they upgraded the system to handle their new digital cable service. Friends who have had cable Internet for years on their old analog cable systems tell me this is nonsense.

"Sir, I'm sorry. Our Ultra Fast Cable Internet package will not be available in your area until we've had a chance to upgrade our system to handle our new digital cable service. According to our records, that will be in about two years. You can call back then."

I dug through my big pile o' mail. "Ma'am, according to this letter you sent me earlier this month, I am about to lose all my premium movie channels because they are no longer offered on in the analog package. As of the start of next month, I will have to subscribe to a digital cable package to receive them. Is this true?"

I could hear her clicking on her keyboard. "Yes, sir. Unless you switch to digital service, you will lose your premium movie channels."

"And I can sign up for digital cable right now."

"Yes, sir. I can do that for you right now if you want."

Something wasn't right here. "And you can sign me up for cable Internet at the same time?"

"No, sir. We've already covered that. Our Ultra Fast Cable Internet package will not be available in your area until we've had a chance to upgrade our system to handle our new digital cable service. According to our records, that will be in about two years."

I realized that the horrible crunching noise I'd been hearing was the grinding of my own teeth. "Ma'am, do you realize that you just offered to sign me up for digital cable, but in the next breath told me it would not be available for two years?"

She finally started to catch on. "Hold, please." More nice music.

A male voice finally came on the line. "Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"Yes, sir. I'd like to sign up for your Ultra Fast Cable Internet package." I gave him my name and address.

"So I gathered." Chuckle. "Sorry about the mixup. Apparently, we've got some outdated files. I do show our digital cable service as being available in your area next month, but I also show our cable Internet service as not being available for two years because it requires the same upgrade in wiring that cable Internet requires. I'm going to connect you to our tech staff to make sure that both are available at your address." Even more nice music.

He actually did not connect me to the tech staff, but rather the contractor who did the actual installations. He confirmed that digital cable and cable Internet were both available at my address. He even went so far as to mention that he had just installed a cable modem just a mile or so up the road from my house. He was planning to be in the area later that week and would be happy to drop by to confirm that.

The contractor dropped by and confirmed that cable Internet would work at my address. He also apologized that he didn't think to bring enough extra equipment to do the install at that time. That was okay, as I hadn't actually signed up for the service yet.

"Thank you for calling Cardassian Cable, now bringing you four -- no, five! -- sports channels. How can we help you today?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'd like to sign up for your Ultra Fast Cable Internet package." I gave her my name and address.

"Sir, I'm sorry. Our Ultra Fast Cable Internet package will not be available in your area until we've had a chance to upgrade our system to handle our new digital cable service. According to our records, that will be in about two years. You can call back then."

Sigh. "I've been through this with others from your company. Trust me, it is available at my address. I've already had one of your contract installers out here to confirm that."

We had to argue for several more minutes, but she finally got the point. "Okay, so you want to add our Ultra Fast Cable Internet to your existing cable television service at [my old address]."

"No, ma'am. At the end of the month, I will no longer be living at [my old address]. I wish to cancel cable television service at [my old address] and establish new cable television service at [my new address] and add cable Internet service at the same time."

I had to go through that several more times before she finally understood. It would take two to four weeks for installation and the charge would be $96.

I choked and sputtered a bit. "Ma'am, the advertisements I keep hearing on the radio keep spouting 'Cardassian Cable Ultra Fast Cable Internet with free installation in less than 24 hours.' Why is this going to take a month and cost me $96?"

"Sir, we can only hook you up to our Ultra Fast Cable Internet service within 24 hours if you already have cable television service in your home. It uses the same wires, after all. You said your new address has never had cable television with Cardassian Cable, so it's not just a matter of turning on cable Internet service and shipping you a modem. We have to contact one of our contract installers to come install the wiring, and they have a two to four week backlog."

That made a twisted kind of sense. "Okay, that explains the 24 hour part. What about the $96 part?"

"Sir, free installation is only provided for new subscribers. Our records show that you've had cable television service with us for several years."

"So, you're telling me that I can only get Ultra Fast Cable Internet installation within 24 hours if I've been a Cardassian Cable customer before, and I can only get said installation for free if I've never been a Cardassian Cable Customer before."

"Exactly, sir."

"Can you then tell me under what set of circumstances a person could actually get the free installation within 24 hours as the radio advertisement claims?"

"Sir, the way you ask that, there's no answer to your question."

"I thought so. How much is this going to cost me, by the way?"

It turns out that it was going to cost me about $40 per month for old analog cable television (I declined the digital package), about $40 per month for cable Internet, and about $5 per month for cable modem rental. I got a $10 discount for having both television and Internet services, but after taxes and whatnot it was still a little over $80 per month. Since this was replacing a $50 per month cable bill, a $30 per month satellite Internet service, and a $20 per month dialup Internet service (required because satellite was one-way back then), I actually came out ahead.

"Can I just put the cost of installation on the first month's bill?"

Oh, no, they told me. Apparently, the policy was that you had to pay for installation and the first month's bill at the time of installation. That was part of the $96. In fact, I wouldn't even get a bill the first month.

"Let's see, sir. It's the end of October now. Installation will probably occur some time in the middle of November. We won't even charge you for November since you're joining us in the middle of a billing cycle. You're paying for December's service at the time of installation. The first bill you will receive will be some time in late December and will be for January's service. We bill a month ahead, you see."

"I see. Looking forward to it. Thanks." Click.

I was indeed looking forward to it. I still am, as nothing like that actually happened. But that's another story.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$