"Cable Modem Derailed" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 09, 2004

My distant (and possibly unrelated) cousin Bill Cheek finally convinced me that the internet was the wave of the future and I needed to get me a cable modem. Unfortunately, this was in 1997 and cable internet service would not be available in my area until 2002. I decided that I couldn't wait that long for internet access. Luckily, Bubba's Discount Internet Service and Barbeque Pit, home of the All-You-Can-Eat-Pig's-Knuckles Breakfast Buffet, had recently added some dialup lines which were a local call from my house.

It was the internet, but it lacked something. I needed something new. I needed something fast. I needed...

...a satellite dish bolted to an elm tree in my back yard?

Around 1999, I started reading about Internet through satellite. It turns out that communications satellites handle hundreds of TV channels and thousands of phone calls at the same time. Somebody came up with the brilliant idea that they could transmit webpages just as well. At about 400,000 bits per second. Not the 10 million bits per second that Bill told me his cable modem provided, but certainly nothing to sneeze at.

The bad thing about satellite is that it's a one-way medium. I could get mail, web pages, files, music, video, or anything else I wanted through the satellite, but to send anything, including the requests to see those things, I'd have to have a regular old phone line modem connection as well. Two-way satellite was still a few years off.

I was a bit iffy about the the whole land-line-uplink thing, but a friend talked me into it. He had a similar setup with his cable modem. Seems that his cable company only offered one-way cable internet.

Hold the phone. He had a cable modem. He had cable internet. He only lived 20 miles from me. Could I get a cable modem, too? Nope. Turns out that he get his service from a totally different cable company than I do. In spite of promises from my local franchise authority, to this day they are still not allowed to compete in my area, so the only way to get a cable modem was to move. I decided against that. For now, anyway.

"Welcome to Ripoff Shed. You've got questions, we've got a funny way of looking at you sideways, like your dog the first time he saw you naked. What can I help you with today?"

"Yeah, I'd like some information about those SatPC systems I've been reading about."

"SatTV? Oh, yes. Lovely system. 200 digital channels for a fraction of the cost of cable. 40 FM music channels, too."

"Not SatTV. SatPC. For the computer?"

"You can watch satellite television on your computer very easily. You just need a special graphics card. We sell those."

"Not TV. Internet service. SatPC is internet service through a satellite dish. It's advertised in your catalog."

He looked at me for a long time. "Oh, I get it. Mark set this up, didn't he? Got me good. I'd forgotten today was April 1. Ha ha."

I'd forgotten it was April 1, too. I couldn't convince him that I wasn't kidding, so I eventually asked for his Ripoff Shed Unrestricted catalog, which lists every product the company sells, even if it's not carried in any particular store at any particular time. I found the page and, with kind words and a gentle headlock, got him to call in an order from the main warehouse.

"It's all ordered, sir. You should get your system in about two weeks. Remember, we have free installation this month on all SatTV systems!"

The satellite dish arrived on April 27, 1999. The satellite modem arrived the next day. I called the store to set up my free installation. Actually, I knew that the free installation was for the SatTV system and I actually had the SatPC system, but I figured that pointing a dish was pointing a dish, and they could take care of it.

It turned out that they couldn't. I was told that I lived so far out in the boonies that none of their contract techs would come to my house unless they were paid for mileage. Ripoff Shed wouldn't pay for mileage because, hey, that would cost them money and they wouldn't make as big a profit on my sale. I asked them how this was my problem and they got all rude on me.

I decided to install the satellite modem card myself. Windows 95 gave me weird error messages that I'd never seen before. Plus, the modem card put off a lot of heat. As in "Well, I didn't need those fingerprints, anyway" heat.

I took the computer and satellite modem in to a local computer repair place, and they determined that the modem was defective. I arranged for a replacement. I was surprised that nobody argued with me about that. They just told me to send it in. While I was waiting for that, I had to local computer guys build me a new system with a larger case, more cooling fans, a whopping 400 MHz CPU, and Windows 98.

Windows 95 decided that it didn't want to run at 400 MHz.

By the start of June, my satellite modem was installed in my new computer and at least pretending to work. After much sweating and groaning, I finally got the satellite dish installed and pointed in the right direction. It turns out that the SatTV installers wouldn't have been able to help, anyway, as SatPC used a different satellite.

By July of 1999, I was a satellite internet junkie. Download speeds were usually very near and sometimes in excess of the advertised 400,000 bits per second. Everything was great for a couple of years.

Until...

Apparently, Ripoff Shed sold more satellite internet systems than SatPC had the capacity to supply service for. SatPC implemented an access policy that basically said you can have the right to 400 kbps download speeds right up until you actually start using it, at which point we will slowly throttle you back until you're down to dialup speeds. This kind of killed the whole "watch TV through your internet connection" thing I had going. Also killed my online gaming, which wasn't doing too well as sending my data packets to outer space and back kind of killed my ping times.

At the same time, phone line quality in my area of the boonies was going downhill fast. I tried a 56 kbps modem but it never got a good enough connection to use, so I went back to my 33.6 kbps modem. Even then, I was getting a lot of bad connections and lost signals and resent data packets. The last one was the killer. Sure, I was connected at 33.6 kbps, but if the modem had to send the same data packet 10 times before it got through, I was effectively using a 3.36 kbps modem. I eventually ended up using my old 14.4 kbps modem. Its data usually got sent out on the first try, so it was effectively faster than the other modems, in spite of the rated speeds.

It was time for an upgrade, I decided. Two-way satellite internet service was now available. No phone line needed. The access policy was supposed to be much more reasonable. I could get $100 off the purchase of a new system by trading in my old one. I called up and tried to order one. They wouldn't ship it to me.

"Sir, the installer will bring it with him when he arrives to install it." That was their justification.

"I don't want to pay for a professional installer. I can do it myself." After all, I installed the last one.

"You can't do that, sir. FCC regulations say that only a certified technician can install a satellite dish transmitter."

"I have a degree in electrical engineering," I lied. I never actually got my degree. Nevertheless, I felt confident when I claimed "I'm qualified to teach your technicians their certifications."

"That may be, sir, but you're not on our list of certified technicians, and that's what we have to go by."

Sigh. "Fine. How much for the professional install?"

"Sir, that's free."

"Even out in my area?"

"Of course, sir. What's your address?"

I told her. I was told that I lived so far out in the boonies that none of their contract techs would come to my house unless they were paid for mileage. Ripoff Shed wouldn't pay for mileage because, hey, that would cost them money and they wouldn't make as big a profit on my sale. I asked them how this was my problem and they got all rude on me.

I tried several times, but they never would send me a system. I decided I still needed a cable modem. But how?

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$