"Urine Drug Screams, Part 4" by Troy H. Cheek on Apr 22, 2004

In our previous installments, I explained how a hospital I once worked for tried to save money by getting rid of their Occupational Services department. The main service was collecting urine samples for drug screens on behalf of companies that didn't want to pay disability claims if their employees tripped over their own two feet because they were hopped up on Goofenthol.

My pointy-haired boss volunteered his Security force to be trained to take their place. This wouldn't have bothered me, but I was working in Security at the time.

To make matters worse, our Emergency Center, which is where most of these collections would take place, employed a huge number of full-time, part-time, call-in, contract, and student nurses, all of whom were offended that they were not being asked to collect these samples. They were offended at the suggestion that they were not qualified to pick the proper form and fill it out correctly.

This suggestion was made because experience showed that they really weren't qualified to pick the proper form and fill it out correctly. It also turned out that, as a group, they refused to accept the training that would qualify them.

Now, this could have resulted in personality conflicts which would adversely affect the quality of patient care. Underpaid security officers were doing a job that professional nurses were told they were incapable of doing. Luckily, we were all highly-trained professionals who would never allow personal feelings to affect the performance of our job duties.

And soon pigs would join monkeys in flying out of my butt.

"Security, please come to the Emergency Center for a UDS."

"Where's the patient?" I asked, politely.

"Bed 5."

"Injured at work?" I asked just for form's sake as I was getting my papers together.

"He won't say."

I figured that I must have misheard her. "I think I must have misheard you. Was he injured at work or not?"

"I told you, he won't say. Just says that he was hurt and wants us to fix him up."

"Our contract is with his employer," I explained. "If he wasn't hurt at work, we have no right to even mention a UDS to him. Who is his employer, by the way?"

"He won't say."

"You realize that if we don't know what company he works for, we don't know what tests we've agreed to do for them, we don't know what lab they've contracted to do drug screens for them, and we don't know what forms to fill out or where to send to send the samples."

"Just send it to our in-house Lab. That's where I always used to send them when I did them."

I very politely and very nicely explained to the nurse that I could not perform a UDS under these circumstances. She was free to do one on her own if she wanted. I'd even help her fill out whatever paperwork she decided to fill out, though of course I wouldn't sign my name to anything.

The boss was waiting for me when I got back to the office. "Troy, what did I tell you about trying to get along?"

"Boss, I was the very epitome of niceness and politeness when I refused to perform that UDS procedure."

"But you still refused, right," he kind of half said and half asked.

"Of course."

That got me a 20 minute lecture on teamwork. When he ran down, I gave him my best penetrating glare. "Boss, are you telling me that I should honor improper and possibly even illegal UDS requests from the nursing staff just to get along?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! Haven't you been listening?"

"Even though I have been trained in what is proper and legal and they have not?"

"That makes no difference. They're nurses and doctors, you're just a security guard. You have no right to question their decisions."

"Even though I got this job responsibility because experience showed us that said doctors and nurses didn't have any idea of what was proper and legal when it comes to drug screens?"

"Troy, are you trying to make me angry?"

"Sorry, boss," I said contritely. "Just trying to clear things up. Tell you what. Give me a written standing order telling me that I have to honor the requests of the Emergency Center staff even if it goes against my UDS training, and I'll shut up about the entire matter."

"Well, see here now, um, ahem," he said. After considerable hemming and hawing, he finally allowed that such a written order would not be necessary. I just needed to be more considerate of the needs of my fellow employees. They have job responsibilities, too.

I left with a promise that I would do so. In exchange, he promised that he would make it clear to the Emergency Center staff that it was the Security department which had received the special training and that we were the final word in UDS procedures.

Things were looking up. Then reality set in.

"Security, please come to the Emergency Center for a UDS."

I responded without my usual feeling of trepidation. The last few routine drug screens had actually been routine. I felt I was really starting to get the hang of this teamwork business.

"Where's the patient?" I asked both nicely and politely.

"He's in Bed 8," the nurse replied. "But he's refusing to provide a sample for the UDS."

"Too bad," I said. And I meant it. I had checked the patient's chart and I recognized the name of the company he worked for. They had a very strict drug-free workplace policy that made refusing a drug screen a worse offense than taking one and testing positive. "Have we notified the company?"

"Why would we do that?" the nurse asked.

"Because that's what we do when they refuse to provide a sample for the UDS," I said slowly and evenly.

"That's silly," she replied. "They have no right to even hear about it if he refuses. It's none of their business what drugs he might be using. His right to privacy is more important. And another thing..."

I eased out the back while she was still in mid-rant. I eased back in from the other side and stuck my head in the patient's room. "Hey, buddy. They explain to you about the drug screen and how I have to tell your boss if you refuse?"

"Yeah, man."

"So you don't have a problem with me calling your boss?"

"No, man."

"What's his phone number at work?"

He told me and I dialed.

"Your foreman wants to talk to you when you get back."

"Okay, man."

I never heard what happened to him. I actually never got called to the carpet over that one. Maybe the nurse never found out.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$