"I Can See Clearly Now, Part 1" by Troy H. Cheek on Apr 06, 2004

...the brain is gone...

I was nearly 20 years old before my family and my doctors realized that I should have been wearing glasses since I was 10. I had some astigmatism which resulted in my being a tad nearsighted. All those headaches through the years were the result of eyestrain brought on by reading all those books. I always read by off in the corner by myself, so nobody connected the reading with the headaches, including me.

Oh, but surely someone at school must have noticed, right? Well, I was a good student by then and always sat at the front of the class. Between my good memory for the spoken word and whatever notes I took, I hardly needed to read much from the board. Those cheap flourescent lights made such a glare on the board that I wasn't the only one who had to squint and shuffle around to read what was written there.

We got vision tests a couple of times in early grade school. My eyes might have been better back then. But also the tests were not the type where you stand off and cover one eye and read smaller and small lines. We got to stare at this little projector and say which point of the light gray diamond had a dark gray square in it. I just looked for the darkest part of the blur, which is what I thought everyone else was doing. Perfect score.

(Years later, when we discovered that my younger brother's vision was much worse than mine, we asked how he could have played baseball so well. He was our best hitter. "Well, I just swung towards the darkest part of the blur flying towards me.")

When I got to college and the really big lecture halls, where even sitting in the front row meant you were 30 feet from the blackboard, I suddenly realized that I had a problem. And a short time later, I had my first pair of glasses.

Since it was my first pair of glasses, I got the full treatment from the staff. They explained pretty much everything there was to know about eyeglasses, especially the importance of keeping your glasses clean. Why, the slightest bit of dirt or dust or lint on the lenses could not only distort your field of vision, but cause the eye to focus on it, causing terrible eyestrain and...

"Headaches, yeah. I'm familiar with that process."

So I put on my first pair of eyeglasses and looked around at all the sharp edges and bright colors. Then I noticed a little bit of lint on one of the lenses. No problem. I just whipped out my trusty bandana and...

"Squawk!"

"What?" Did someone bring a chicken in here?

"Don't do that!"

"I was just cleaning my glasses." Like you told me to, I didn't add.

That got me another lecture. This one was about how excessive cleaning would wear off the scratch-resistant coating.

"So, I'm supposed to clean my glasses constantly to keep the lenses clear of the slightest lint or dust so I don't ruin my vision, but I'm not supposed to clean my lenses often for fear of ruining them?"

"Exactly!"

And people wonder why I get headaches.

I quickly learned to focus past the dust and lint. In fact, I eventually reached the point where I wouldn't bother cleaning my glasses until I could see better without them than I could with them. And I discovered that when I reached the point where I could see better without the glasses even after they were cleaned, it was time to get new glasses.

I was driving through town when I realized that I had reached that point again. I knew the old vision store place I'd gotten my last pair of glasses from had closed up shop. What to do? What to do?

FREE EYE EXAMS TODAY

And they say that advertising with little signs on the side of the road has gone out of style.

WALK-INS WELCOME

Even better.

ALL FRAMES 50% OFF

My kind of deal.

BURMA SHAVE.

Okay, that last one wasn't there. But it should have been.

I saw that the signs ended at one of those one-hour eyeglasses places. I did one of my famous Cheek turns. That's where you hit the brakes, crank the wheel, and flip the turn signal all in the same motion. I skidded sideways into a parking space. Perfect parking as always.

And if you think that manuever is risky, I will point out that unlike my younger brother, I actually wait until the car stops moving before I get out.

"Can we help you, sir?"

I told them I would like an eye exam.

"Eye exam? Joyce, is the doctor coming in today?"

"I don't think so. He doesn't have any appointments on his calendar."

"Do you have an appointment, sir?"

I pointed out that the sign said that walk-ins were welcome.

"Well, yes, sir. Can you come back tomorrow?"

I pointed out that the sign said the eye exams were today.

"Well, yes, sir. But the doctor's not in. If you give me your insurance card, we can start processing you and you won't have to fill out any paperwork when you come in for your appointment."

I pointed out that the sign said the eye exams were free.

"Well, yes, sir. But the... Oh, hello, Doctor!"

"Any mail for me?"

"This young man is here for an eye exam."

"Pardon? I thought I didn't have anything on my calendar today."

I pointed out that the sign said that walk-ins were welcome.

"Well, I wasn't really planing to see any patients today."

I pointed out that the sign said the eye exams were today.

"Well, give Joyce your insurance card and when I come back from the lake..."

I pointed out that the sign said the eye exams were free.

I could hear my girlfriend's voice saying "Troy, this is why people take an instant dislike for you."

Hmph. Frown. Rolls eyes. Sigh. "If you'll follow me, young man."

I got the briefest and rudest eye exam of my life. The whole thing took maybe three minutes, including having to do the glaucoma test three times.

"Put your chin on the platform."

I put.

"Stare straight ahead."

I stared.

WHAM!

"You flinched. We'll have to do it over."

Do what over? My eyeball felt like it had been hit by a baseball bat. And I know what that feels like.

"The glaucoma test. We hit the eyeball with a stream of compressed air and see how it deforms under the pressure. But you moved so we'll have to do it again."

We did. I tried very hard not to flinch. He was not impressed with my performance. Or with my old glasses.

"You really should clean your glasses more often. And the coating on your lenses is worn almost completely through."

Sigh.

Then I had to get my new lenses. But that's a story for another day.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$