SFSTORY: HMS Golden Lance #27 - New Weaseloid Order, Part 2

Emperor Ralph sat camly on his throne, paw held over the ENTER key of the ABPSARII, ready to reset the universe as soon as one of his one-time companions attempted to attack him. Would it be 357 and his telechronal displacement pistol this time? Would Diana Dark expertly attack using her martial arts skills? Would Doctor Bing Von Spleen use his inside knowledge of the ABPSARII to try to sabotage the reset? Would the VAL9000 wristcomp, uncharacteristically silent during this exchange, try something? Or would Omegas simply attack with what he thought was overwhelming force?

D) All of the Above

Which, unfortunately, did not do a damned bit of good. Emperor Ralph, having read every page of "The Evil Overlord's Handbook," watched calmly as all the attacks bounced harmlessly off the invisible impenatrable forcefield which surrounded his throne dias and which he had been careful never to reveal the existance of. With a quiet sigh, he hit the ENTER key.

Time Agent 357 shook his head violently, almost as if he were shaking off the effects of being present when an entire universe was reshaped into a completely new reality, which describes exactly what he was shaking off at that moment.

"Mes amies, we are zoe hap-py that you have zurvive-ed!" said the furry monster who had just helped him to his feet. Said furry monster was wearing a shirt with horizontal red and white stripes. An eyepatch covered one eye. His whiskers curled at the ends. A ragged ear poked out from one side of his head. The other ear was covered by a red beret worn at a jaunty angle. He smiled a smile that was missing several teeth. "You have just been rescued by zee Ferretine Underground Resistance!"

Time Agent looked around and checked on his companions: Omegas, a former all-powerful streetwise servant of Heaven, Hell^tm, and mostly himself; Diana Dark, a sweet innocent girl from Chicago, or at least as sweet and innocent as anyone from Chicago can be; Doctor Bing Von Spleen, the galaxy's fourmost (because he personally killed the other three) Spamologist; and VAL 9000, the synthetic intelligences which normally inhabited the HMS Golden Lance for which this serial is named, but currently stuck in 357's wristcomp.

Our heros stood by while Jean-Perrier, the unofficial spokesweasel for the Ferretine Underground Resistance, which normally went by the acronym of FEW (don't ask), explained that their long-time companion Ralph had used the Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-integrator Mark II (or ABPSARII) they had been struggling to recover to make himself undisputed King of This Reality. To wit, Emperor Ralph.

"Then why doesn't he call himself King Ralph?" Diana wondered.

"Copyright restrictions," answered Jean-Perrier. He went on to explain a plan to dethrone Emperor Ralph, which coincidentally required the unique talents of all our favorite adventurers. After Diana Dark had traversed and deactivated the electronic minefield, Omegas had entered and dissolved the biolectric energy field, Time Agent 357 had solved and passed through the temporal maze, the VAL9000 wristcomp had tried all 3x10^17 combinations and opened the lock in 6.97 seconds, and Doctor Bing Von Spleen had reached the control panel and vented all the soporific gas to deep space (though he naturally kept a few bottles for himself)...

The crew of the HMS Golden Lance, for which this serial is named, and their weaseloid companions were immediately arrested by the army of weaseloid soldiers whose barracks they had just gone through all that trouble to break into. They were then dumped unceromoniously in front of a tall throne.

"Hello, old friends," he said warmly. "Have fun storming the castle?"

"Somehow, I knew you were going to say that," 357 muttered.

"Amazing!" exclaimed Ralph. "It must be your special Time Police training. It has allowed you to recognize the time loop you are trapped in after only a few dozen trips through it. I'll have to remember to edit it out during the next iteration."

Emperor Ralph went on to explain that Jean-Perrier and FEW broke into the castle every week or so, usually after recruiting Time Agent 357 and/or his companions to help them. After allowing them to think they had succeeded, he would them show them how easily they could be stopped, finally erasing their memories and sending them out to do it all over again.

"We do this every week?" a muskrat asked incrediously.

Ralph smiled. "Of course. It keeps you occupied and, as I mentioned before, it keeps me amused."

"You didn't mention that before," Diana corrected.

"Well, I'm sure I did in some other iteration," Ralph said. And with that, he summoned the ABPSARII and reset the universe.

Time Agent 357 shook his head violently, almost as if he were shaking off the effects of being present when an entire universe was reshaped into a completely new reality, which describes exactly what he was shaking off at that moment.

"Mes amies, we are zoe hap-py that you have zurvive-ed!" said the furry monster who had just helped him to his feet. Said furry monster was wearing a shirt with horizontal red and white stripes. An eyepatch covered one eye. His whiskers curled at the ends. A ragged ear poked out from one side of his head. The other ear was covered by a red beret worn at a jaunty angle. He smiled a smile that was missing several teeth. "You have just been rescued by zee-"

"Ferretine Underground Resistance," Time Agent 357 concluded for him. "Also known as FEW, not FUR, due to your outrageous accent. You are Jean-Pierrer, unofficial spokesweasel. Our one-time companion Ralph has used Spleen's ABPSARII to reshape all reality with himself as undisputed king, but you have a plan to dethrone him, but it will require all our special talents."

"Um," said a dumbstruck Jean-Pierrer. "Oui."

"Hey, that does sound kind of familiar," Diana said. Omegas and Spleen also concurred.

Time Agent 357 explained "I think we've been through this time loop so many times that even Ralph's editing of our memories is not enough to keep us from realizing it. I have special Time Police training. Diana, whose intellect was housed my physical brain during that poorly written body swap episode, also has access to that training. Omegas is a timeless immortal who has a natural resistance to temporal paradox. Spleen..."

Doctor Bing Von Spleen was at that moment raiding FEW's fridge for more beer.

"As for Spleen, a lifetime of pulling his memories back together after blowing his mind on a daily basis has apparently paid off."

Omegas snagged a beer for himself. "Now that we've realized what's going on, how do we stop it? Even I," he said with false modesty, "do not have the power to wrest control of the ABPSARII from Ralph."

"Not that we'd let you get your hands on it if you could," Diana put in coldly.

"We may not have to," Spleen said, belching quietly. "I've been running some simulations." He paused to gesture at the artistically stacked beer cans covering a nearby table. Around them could be seen a holographic chart generated by the VAL9000 wristcomp. "Even the ABPSARII can't completely negate entropy, and I think the space/time/spam continuum will eventually begin to break down. Remember, he's not only creating the perfect universe, but he's re-creating it weekly and making sure nobody dies or gets seriously injured, which is a major deviation from the way any universe is supposed to run."

=Meaning that if Ralph were the usual run-of-the-mill immoral power-hungry dictator,= VAL9000 added in her sexy if irritating feminine robotic voice, =he might reign forever. But since he's a sweet and considerate power-hungry dictator, he's going to have entropy problems.=

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsover," 357 said. "But it's all we have to work with so far. Let's go explain that to Ralph."

After Diana Dark had traversed and deactivated the electronic minefield, Omegas had entered and dissolved the biolectric energy field, Time Agent 357 had solved and passed through the temporal maze, the VAL9000 wristcomp had tried all 3x10^17 combinations and opened the lock in 6.97 seconds, and Doctor Bing Von Spleen had reached the control panel and vented all the soporific gas to deep space (though he naturally kept a few bottles for himself)...

The crew of the HMS Golden Lance, for which this serial is named, and their weaseloid companions were immediately arrested by the army of weaseloid soldiers whose barracks they had just gone through all that trouble to break into. They were then dumped unceromoniously in front of a tall throne.

On that throne sat Emperor Ralph, Undisputed King of this Reality, formerly known as the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V.

"Hello, old friends," he said warmly. "Have fun storming the castle?"

"Loads," admitted Omegas. "However, you have a problem. This time loop is going to eventually destabalize your little perfect universe."

"What?" exclaimed Ralph. "Your being a timeless immortal should not have allowed you to recognize the time loop so soon. I'm certain that I edited that out half a dozen iterations ago."

"Your time editing is not working," explained 357. "At least, not fully. Not with us. Not every time. Watch this."

357 had VAL9000 show her fancy holograms. Spleen gave his best lecture ever. Omegas spoke at length from his vast supply of (un)holy knowledge concerning death and destruction. But in the end, it was Diana Dark and her threat to cry which convinced Ralph.

Which was a good thing, as she'd figured out a way past Ralph's invisible impenatrable forcefield and was seven seconds away from breaking his furry little weaseloid neck.

"You've convinced me," Ralph finally conceded. "I'll put everything back to exactly the same way it was before I captured the ABPSARII." With that, he typed in a few commands on the ABPSARII, which for some reason looked like an impossibly archaic computer keyboard, and pressed the ENTER key.

Just has the keyclick hit home, 357 had a terrible thought. "Wait! Not exactly the same!"

Too late.

Time Agent 357 found himself typing in a firing sequence. A beam of pure destructive energy and Cheez-Whiz leapt from the HMS Golden Lance and sped towards the S.S. You Are About To Die.

Only to be turned aside at the last second by a forcefield.

"Very good shot, Agent 357," came the voice of Greez Hyperiok, whose image soon appeared on a convenient nearby monitor. "Fortunately, I was able to get to my ABPSARII in time to have it create a shield to block your famous Golden Lance energy beam."

357 shielded his head a half second before the control room was deluged with a rain of hail-sized golfballs.

"Deja Vu," said 357.

"Deja Vu? You mean THAT seemed familiar?" asked Diana Dark.

"I think so. Something's not right here. Do you remember anything about a time loop?"

"Vaguely, but I also get the feeling that we busted out of it..."

On the viewscreen, Greez was shaking the ABPSARII violently. Dijon, his chief flunky, took some readings. "The Zipper-Locked^tm protective field of the Planet of the Supermarkets is interfering with the ABPSARII's ability to process SPAM. If I read this right, it only has enough power to grant one more request. One. Uno. Single. Give it to me. I've got an idea which can save both you and the ship."

"Never!" Greez shouted. "I will never give up the ABPSARII. I will die first. I will... Hey, where the Hell^tm did it go?"

357, and everyone else, turned around at the sound of a soft "plop." The ABPSARII popped into existance and fell into Ralph's paws. His Least Great Ring of Power glowed brightly and then went dark.

"Great job, Ralph! You da weasel!" Spleen and Omegas shouted.

Greez raged and fumed on the screen. 357 called for his attention. "Greez, I'm not quite sure what's going on, but we've got enough power to teleport you and your crew to our brig before we kick in our Cheez-Whiz Interactive Drive and get out of here. Or you can die. You have 30 seconds to decide."

Greez fumed some more.

357 turned to his companions. "Diana, perhaps we were wrong. It looks like everything's all wrapped up. Another few minutes and... Ralph? Just what do you think you're doing with that?"

It was only then that everyone heard the pitter patter of little weaseloid paws on the keyboard of the ABPSARII. 357 reached for the device, but suddenly found that space and time were twisting around him. He passed out.

357 realized that he was being shaken awake. "Hur-ree, mon amie. We must flee before eet iz too late!"

357 allowed himself be dragged to his feet by a group of small, furry beings. It was only after he was dumped inside an abandoned warehouse with Diana, Omegas, and Doctor Spleen that he got a good look at said small, furry beings. Weaseloids. Familiar-looking weaseloids.

"Mes amies, fear not," Jean-Perrier said. "You have just been rescued by zee Ferretine Underground Resistance! Or FEW for short!"

"The few, the proud, the... FEW." Diana added, deadpan.

Will 357 be able to figure out a way out of the time loop?
Will Ralph's perfect universe be destroyed?
Will the Author ever finish this "Groundhog Day" knockoff?

Find out the answers to these, and maybe a few other questions, in Part 3 of The New Weaseloid Order. Only in... SFSTORY!

Copyright 2006 by Troy H. Cheek. Free to read, but please reprint only with permission.