SFSTORY: HMS Golden Lance #10 - Under Attack (Again)

The cast of characters...

Time Agent 357 - Born of a race of near-immortal beings who tend to live for hundreds of thousands of years until they die of boredom or stupidity, 357 is actually a genetic throwback who is only expected to live a mere thousand years or so. His only goal in life is to retire.

Omegas - A very nearly all-powerful, almost omnipotent being of unknown origin, Omegas has served the forces of Good, Evil, and (mostly) himself. This god-like alien, or alien-like god, could very well set himself up as supreme ruler of all of Creation, if only he could avoid getting himself into stupid situations that result in his powers being drained.

Doctor Bing Von Spleen - The Galaxy's foremost Spamological Engineer (because he personally killed the other threemost), Spleen invented the Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-Integrator (or ABPSAR). Doctor Spleen was once an professor at a respected university, where he enjoyed sex, beer, recreational drugs, and having a good time irresponsibly, proving that he was actually a college _student_ trapped in a professor's body.

Ralph - Known as the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V, Ralph is actually a friendly, easy-going weaseloid from Leibowitz IV and an accomplished ukulele player in his own right. He would much rather return to his home in Netherspace and enjoy the company of his 500 weaseloid wives, but realizes that somebody has to be the "everyman" character that the reader can relate to.

Diana Dark - This sweet, innocent girl from Chicago (or, at least, as sweet and innocent as any girl from Chicago can be) was transported into SFSTORY by an explosion caused by the interaction of Cheez-Whiz and beer, though the police have attributed her disappearance to a bizarre Cruisinart accident. Partner to Time Agent 386.

Time Agent 386 - Nephew to Time Agent 357 and heir to his Time Agent legacy if and when 357 ever successfully retires. Like 357, he is extremely hard to kill but not immortal, unlike the rest of their race which can be killed easily by violence but will live almost forever otherwise. 386 is currently missing in action.

HMS Golden Lance - Time Agent 357's ship, the HMS Golden Lance, was designed and built by Doctor Spleen to replace an earlier ship by the same name, also designed and built by Doctor Spleen. It is part timeship, part interdimensional cruiser, part warship, and part retirement home for 357. It is controlled by the VAL 9000 computer, or Val as her friends call her.

The story so far...

Time Agent 357 and Omegas were trapped inside inside of a temporal, dimensional, and spacial anomaly until rescued by Doctor Bing Von Spleen. Joined by Ralph, they are attempting to recover the new and experimental ABPSARII (or ABPSAR Mark II) which Spleen has somehow lost. Their efforts have led them to Diana Dark, who has joined the crew hoping to locate her lost partner, Time Agent 386. Shortly after coming aboard, the HMS Golden Lance came under attack (again)...

A massive explosion, the likes of which no one (except Diana) had ever seen before, ripped through the HMS Golden Lance for which our serial is named. =All hands to the control room!= announced VAL 9000, the ship's computer. Computers, of course, could not panic, though Val was doing a reasonable impression.

Time Agent 357, already at the controls, called for a status report. "Status report!" he called.

=Energy beam of unknown type and origin!= the computer barked back.

"It was a beer/Cheez-Whiz reaction!" shouted Diana Dark. "It was just like the one that propelled me into space to begin with!"

"Everybody quit yelling!" shouted Omegas, who was in a particularly foul mood for no reason in particular. Well, he was an immortal, all- powerful being who was currently mortal, powerless, and still soaking wet from being doused in beer in the previous chapter, so I guess he did have a reason or two.

He was also being thoroughly ignored by Diana Dark, even though he had politely pulled out a chair for her. Ralph thanked Omegas as he took the chair for himself.

Doctor Spleen checked some readings. "Unknown vessel off the port, uh, um, front part of the ship."

=On screen!=

The attacking ship did not look at all impressive. It looked more like a two-year-old's attempt to model a ship with clay and pipe cleaners. On the side was crudely written, as if in crayon, "S.S. You Are About To Die." The ship continued to look not at all impressive right up to the moment that it fired another energy beam.

357 leaped, or lept, or whatever, to the controls. "Val, commense evasive ma-Yikes!" he yelled as the computer quickly changed course and speed, overpowering the synthetic gravity and sending everyone not buckled in against the far wall of the control room. Since Omegas was the ship's Safety Officer, this meant everyone period.

The course change did not, unfortunately, save the ship from damage. The energy beam hit the port landing skid. =Ouch! Ow! Owowowow!=

"Val, damage report!" shouted 357 from under a pile of bodies.

=Owowowowowowow! Ow! The bastich blew off my port landing skid and you want a frezzing damage report? He's blasting through our shields like they aren't there! Ow!=

"Never mind that," 357 continued from under the pile. "Prime and fire the primary weapon before the blows us to bits!"

=And why'd he have to hit the port one! That's my cute side! Now I'll have to make left turns all the time to hide it!=

"Val, fire!"

=Firing!=

The Golden Lance energy beam, a destructive combination of raw energy and processed cheese-like food products, blasted toward the attacking ship. Just before it reached the ship, it was brushed aside like a small furry woodland creature off a groundcar's bumper. The attacking ship's series of answering blasts destroyed auxillary control, the Hypertechnical Orange Thingy, and the bowling alley.

"Well, that didn't work," said Omegas helpfully, or as helpfully as Omegas ever said anything, as he extended a hand to help Diana up. Diana ignored it, instead performing a full back flip from a prone position and landing on her feet.

=Signal coming in!=

The signal had a visual component, and the main screen displayed it. The assumed control room of the attacking ship also looked to be made of modeling clay and pipe cleaners and designed by a small child. Sitting in the captain's chair was a familiar figure. "Well, 357, looks like the shoe's on the other foot this time."

"Greez Hyperiok!"

"Yes," answered Hyperiok. "It is I, Greez Hyperiok, renegade Time Agent, mass murderer, and all around bad egg. I'm also the person who stole Doctor Spleen's Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re- Integrator Mark II, or ABPSARII, since you aren't smart enough to have figured that out for yourself by now."

"Actually, we did," answered 357, wondering where Hyperiok got such a powerful warship.

"No matter," replied Hyperiok. "You're probably wondering where I got such a powerful warship. Well, with the ABPSARII, it's easy. I simply specified that I wanted a ship powerful enough to destroy you and waited for it to find one. It took a while. That's why I sent those mercenaries to slow you down."

I wonder how much longer he's going to play with us, thought 357, before he destroys us for good.

"If you're wondering how much longer I'm going to play with you before I destroy you for good," continued Hyperiok, "the answer is exactly 60 seconds. Bwahahahahaha! 59... 58... 57... 56... 55... 54..."

"Val, fire up the engines and zap us into another alterverse!"

=I can't. The attacking ship has some kind of Ziplock Protective Field. It's neutralizing our Spam and pretty much every other fuel we have. All our interdimensional drives are dead.=

357 and Spleen scrambled feverently to restore main power. VAL 9000 muttered to herself about looking like something the cat dragged in. Omegas wriggled his eyebrows up and down at Diana, while Diana ignored him and assisted Ralph in trying to activate the ship's escape pods. Well, she assumed that's what he was doing. Ralph was actually just changing wires around at random to kill time.

"Needlewarp! This isn't going to work," decided 357. He dug into his pocket and pulled out 37 cents in change, a used subspaceway token, a button, and some pocket lint. He handed them to Diana. "Here, drop these down the auxillary ABPSARI fuel feed there in the corner."

"Okay," she said as she did so, not noticing that Spleen's eyes had just bugged out of his head and that Omegas and Ralph had just assumed classic 'duck and cover' positions. "What good will this do?"

What good will this do indeed? The Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub- Atomic Re-Integrator, or ABPSARI, is perhaps the safest power source known to intelligent beings anywhere. But only, as trial and error has determined, if powered by SPAM (Sickening, Putrid, Artificial Meat), NeoSpam, and a select number of other overprocessed meat-like food products. When powered by anything else, ANYTHING can happen. Lives can be ruined. Civilizations can rise or fall. Heaven's gates can crumble. Charleton Heston can vote Democrat. Anything.

"23... 22... 21..." Hyperiok continued to count, until he realized that the HMS Golden Lance had just faded out of existance. "WHAT?"

Hyperiok sputtered and huffed for several minutes before finally demanding to know what just happened.

"I demand to know what just happened!"

The ship answered back with a series of rapid clicks, loud buzzes, warbling whistles, flashes of color, and rude hand gestures that Hyperiok somehow understood.

"I can see that they activated some kind of interdimensional drive and blasted themselves into some other alterverse (alternate universe). I specifically told you to keep that from happening!"

More clicks, buzzes, and whistles.

"Put *what* in an ABPSAR? That could result in ANYTHING happening. They must be crazy."

Buzzes, colors, whistles, gesture or two.

"No, that doesn't get you off the hook. I told the ABPSARII that I wanted a ship powerful enough to destroy 357. It looks like you're not it."

Clicks, buzz, and several rude gestures.

"Because I didn't WANT to destroy the HMS Golden Lance completely within the first tenth of a second of the attack. There's no fun in that, no sense of revenge, no dramatic impact..."

Click, whistle, and a prolonged raspberry.

"Well, I don't care much for your personal habits, either!"

Hyperiok was now truly angry. "You!" he screamed as he closed on the ABPSARII, which was cowering in the corner as much as an inanimate object was capable of cowering. He picked up device, which looked much like an impossibly archaic computer keyboard with several odd wires and components welded on, except where it didn't. He popped a panel off the back and made sure that it still had a hefty supply of Spam, the Breakfast of Champions.

"You," he repeated in a slightly less insane tone, "will begin searching for the HMS Golden Lance. Once you find it, I want you to do this..."

What does Hyperiok want the ABPSARII to do?
What happened to the HMS Golden Lance?
What happened to the HMS Golden Lance's crew?
What happened to the plans for SFSTORY the Musical?

For the answers to these and several other interesting but totally unrelated questions, write to your congressman about repealing the anti-SFSTORY laws in your state!

Copyright 2006 by Troy H. Cheek. Free to read, but please reprint only with permission.