SFSTORY: HMS Golden Lance #05 - Where Are They Now?

The cast of characters...

Time Agent 357 - Born of a race of near-immortal beings who tend to live for hundreds of thousands of years until they die of boredom or stupidity, 357 is actually a genetic throwback who is only expected to live a mere thousand years or so. He has been many things in his lifetime, including arguably the greatest Time Agent who ever worked for the Time Police, which he attributes to simply being a competent being surrounded by idiots. He has spent the last 150 subjective years trapped inside of a temporal, dimensional, and spacial anomaly. He spent the previous 100 years attempting to retire.

Omegas - A very nearly all-powerful, almost omnipotent being of unknown origin, Omegas has served the forces of Good, Evil, and (mostly) himself. This god-like alien, or alien-like god, could very well set himself up as supreme ruler of all of Creation, if only he could avoid getting himself into stupid situations that result in his powers being drained. Like, for instance, having spent the last 150 subjective years trapped inside of a temporal, dimensional, and spacial anomaly with Time Agent 357.

Doctor Bing Von Spleen - The Galaxy's foremost Spamological Engineer (because he personally killed the other threemost), Spleen invented the Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-Integrator (or ABPSAR). Doctor Spleen was once an professor at a respected university, where he enjoyed sex, beer, recreational drugs, and having a good time irresponsibly, proving that he was actually a college _student_ trapped in a professor's body. After many years of adventuring, he retired, never to be seen again. Unfortunately, he has been dragged back into the storyline, where he tries desperately to avoid contact with his younger self, fearing a temporal paradox.

Ralph - Known as the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V, Ralph is actually a friendly, easy-going weaseloid from Leibowitz IV and an accomplished ukulele player in his own right. He would much rather return to his home in Netherspace and enjoy the company of his 500 weaseloid wives, but realizes that somebody has to be the "everyman" character that the reader can relate to.

HMS Golden Lance - Time Agent 357's ship, the HMS Golden Lance, was designed and built by Doctor Spleen to replace an earlier ship by the same name, also designed and built by Doctor Spleen. It is part timeship, part interdimensional cruiser, part warship, and part retirement home for 357. It is controlled by the VAL 9000 computer, or Val as her friends call her.

The story so far...

Time Agent 357 and Omegas were trapped inside inside of a temporal, dimensional, and spacial anomaly until rescued by Doctor Bing Von Spleen. Joined by Ralph, they are attempting to recover the new and experimental ABPSARII (or ABPSAR Mark II) which Spleen has somehow lost. Their efforts have so far been hindered by a fleet of warships which has been attacking them at every opportunity. When last we left our heroes, they had just attempted escape the single remaining attacking ship by activating the HMS Golden Lance's ABPSAR drive without any of the usual preparations...

The HMS Golden Lance re-entered normal space, accompanied by a very spectacular show of pyrotechnics that our special effects budget won't let us even begin to describe. In contrast, the ship which followed simply faded into existance. Said ship immediately began to fire on the Golden Lance.

In the control room, Time Agent 357 shoved Omegas away from the controls and surveyed the damage. It appeared that Omegas had gotten the worst of the collision, his nose gushing an oddly flourescent liquid which probably passed for blood among his kind. Ralph, the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V, grabbed Omegas and began applying First Aid, just as he'd learned the Ferret Scounts as a youth.

The controls were still functional, so 357 flipped a few switches at random, trying to lose the attacking ship. He kept doing this, bouncing from one reality to another, with the attacking ship always getting dragged along, until the controls suddenly stopped responding.

"Uh oh," 357 said. "Val, what's going on?"

=We appear to have entered a dimension where Spam does not have its full reality-altering effects. No problem, though. I'll just fire up the Cheez-Whiz Interdimensional Drive and get us out of here.= There was a long pause as the VAL 9000 computer beeped and buzzed to itself. =Um, do you see a disk with 'CWID.EXE' written on it?=

"Never mind that right now," interupted Doctor Bing Von Spleen. "We've got plenty of backup power sources. The mystery ship that's been attacking us, however, appears to be almost dead in space."

357 immediately saw his opening. "Val, open a comm channel and demand their immediate surrender."

In lieu of a reply, the mystery ship opened several hanger doors and issued forth a stream of fighter craft, along with several members of the deck crew who hadn't cleared the area quickly enough. 357 cursed and set the ship into an evasive course using her backup normal space engines. Being smaller and lighter, the fighters quickly caught up and began pounding at the Golden Lance's shields.

"Somebody get Omegas to a gun turret!" ordered 357, seeing that the fighters were too agile for the automated systems to track, at least while on emergency power. Omegas, however, was unable to do much in his current condition. Blissfully unaware of hominid physiology, the ever-helpful Ralph was attempting to stop the nosebleed with a large tourniquet wrapped around the patient's neck.

"I've got full power to the shields!" shouted Spleen, followed by an evil laugh which would have made Renfield proud. The shields easily fended off the fighter wave's attack. Indeed, powered by more energy than they knew what to do with, the shields had swollen to several times their normal size. With a few deft changes of course, 357 was able to use the shields as a giant fly swatter to smash the attacking fighters to bitesized bits.

In the resulting confusion, two of the fighters broke off and, after briefly strafing their own mother ship, made off toward a nearby planet. The VAL 9000 computer noted this for future reference. =I've got the Cheeze Whiz Interdimensional Drive working!= she announced cheerfully. =Shall I implement?=

"Not just yet," snapped 357. "First, set it for normal space drive, then make sure that we're pointed directly away from the attacking ship." He paused to rub his hands together. "THEN implement."

VAL did so. The resulting outrush of food products and destructive energy, while nowhere near as powerful as the ship's main weapon, the fabled Golden Lance for which the ship was most well known, was nonetheless quite capable of shattering the attacking ship's meager shields, followed almost immediately by its hull. 357 had just begun formulating his plan to board and capture the ship when it exploded.

"So much for that idea," said 357.

"Quite rude of them to explode like that before we could find out who they were," added Spleen.

"And why they were attacking us," continued Ralph.

"Ack! Gag! Choke!" gasped Omegas, though nobody really noticed.

The next few hours were spent repairing battle damage, checking driver versions for compatibility, and generally cleaning up. Omegas, finally recovered enough to beat off Ralph, retired to his room to sulk. He was still sulking when the VAL 9000 called a meeting. It was held in, you guessed it, yet another briefing room.

=You're probably wondering why I called you all here... Ha! I always wanted to say that!=

"Val, get to the point," threatened 357. He had to admit, however, that Spleen did know how to design briefing rooms. The chairs were comfortable, placed just far enough apart to give elbow room without a feeling of distance. The color scheme couldn't be better, relaxing and yet still inspiring a sense of alertness. The track lighting and lava lamps added a touch of 60's class, something 357 was very familiar with since, thanks to frequent time travel, he'd spent close to thirty years in the 60's.

"So you say these two fighters fired on their own mother ship and then ditched on that nearby planet?" asked Spleen, summarizing twenty minutes of detailed reports that 357 had completely blanked out.

=Exactly.=

Omegas felt his ears perk up at that. The stupid computer had been quiet cross with him for trying to take revenge on Ralph for the tourniquet incident, going so far as to prime the ship's internal defense systems, and he'd been looking for someone to take this out on. "Obviously, someone needs to go to that planet and kill... I mean, question the pilots of those fighters. I volunteer."

357 would have none of that, however. "We'll *all* go, Omegas. Get yourself ready. Val, set course for the planet. Ralph, break out some weapons. Spleen, tell me how these lava lamps work."

The HMS Golden Lance parked itself into orbit a few minutes later, choosing an altitude and speed in the exact way that would cause it to plunge to its doom within one hour if main power should fail. This is referred to as "standard orbit" and is standard so that the author can easily add tension at some later time should the story begin to drag.

The crew gathered near the Temporal Teleporter Terminal. The TTT was a marvel of modern science, capable of easily moving people and items through time, space, and (to a limited extent) realities. In fact, it was so useful that one might wonder why a ship equipped with one would ever need to dock with another ship or try a risky landing on a planet. For that reason, let us not discuss it further.

Omegas strode onto the platform. He had chosen for his weapon a massive DIESCUM (Diffusion Internal Energy SuperChronal Unilateral Matrixor) pistol.

357 had picked out a standard equipment harness loaded with all sorts of neat gizmos and gadgets. Strapped to his side was a telechronal displacement pistol, which worked by sending individual molecules of its target forward or backwards in time a few random microseconds, effectively shredding it. He too strode onto the platform.

Being a coward at heart, Doctor Spleen declined to carry a weapon. Indeed, he had decided that he wasn't going down to the planet at all, deciding to leave this adventure to the more foolhardy- er, brave. He strode over behind the control panel.

Ralph, being a pacifist at heart, carried no weapon, and left his ukulele in Spleen's care. He then scurried onto the platform.

Spleen set the controls to put the intrepid trio down a few hundred yards away from the fighter craft, which had landed in a large clearing. He also set the controls to put said intrepid trio down there several minutes before the ship actually arrived in orbit, so their appearance would be a complete surprise.

With the usual rainbow afterimage which accompanies TTT usage, ye olde intrepid trio disappeared.

What will the intrepid... Er, these three adventurers find?
Where is it exactly that they are going?
What is their quest?
What is their favorite color?

The answers may be found in the karmatic soul of the questioner, but I would check SFSTORY anyway, just to make sure.

Copyright 2006 by Troy H. Cheek. Free to read, but please reprint only with permission.